Where did I park my Focus?

I purchased everything I needed.  Clinton helped me set up the decorations, videos and books.  I had the seat set up in the appropriate room.  I had prayed and prayed and prayed.  I even checked the Farmer's Almanac to be sure it was the best time.

And it was.

And it worked.

Mostly.

On Friday, April 9, I potty-trained Nathan using the book "Potty Train Your Child in Just One Day" by Teri Crane. I had planned to blog last week about how well the book worked for Nathan.

If you follow her plan, it can work.

If you only partially follow, you may have a major problem on your hands. 

Friday was okay.  Saturday started out shaky but he really was getting the hang of it that afternoon.  Sunday showed continued promise.

Monday came.  It all went down the tubes--literally and figuratively.

I had thought I would have at least another week before Clinton got into the field to begin planting.  I was wrong.  Oh, so wrong. 

Between meals and other farming chaos, final rehearsals for my Ladies' Day skit, Matthew's 3 track meets, trying to convince the family that it would all work out just fine if I left for two days, and just keeping my head above water with the house, I lost the battle. 

I had planned to have the whole week relatively free to be able to drop everything when needed to help continue Nathan's success.  The reality was that it was one of the most frustrating, nerve-racking, tear-filled weeks I have ever had.  No exaggeration.  There was not a single day last week I didn't break down sobbing at least once.  No PMS involved. 

I was SO ready for Ladies' Day. 

It was obvious that God had been at work in this event long before we started planning.   Everything from the anointing on the speakers to the weather to the decorations to the timing of everything was truly amazing.  Other than the fact that it was very cool that morning, Ladies' Day was absolutely perfect. 

It wasn't until keynote speaker Linda Mirante's second speech that I received what I needed, the message I had come to hear.

One word.

FOCUS.

She began by saying that when you have a bad day, you need to ask yourself, "What did I focus on today?"  I don't tend to be a very focused, driven person anyway, but I realized that I had had NO focus WHATSOEVER that week.  Or rather, I had no GOOD focus.  My focus had been on my distractions, duties, discouragements, and disasters.  I was looking around me when I needed to be looking up.

So that is the word that keeps coming to me this week as I try to repair the damage and continue on.  Focus on the next thing I need to do.  Focus on the child and not the clock  (So lunch is 45 minutes late.  They'll get over it eventually).  Focus on The One who has it ALL under control, if only I will get my grubby mitts off and give my chaos to Him. 

FOCUS. 

The Purple-eyed Monster, or Envy's Close Cousin

Okay, I guess I don't know for sure that Pride is purple-eyed, but I thought it sounded good.  You know, purple is the traditional color of royalty and when I am steeped in pride I consider my opinions to be more valid and important and reliable than God's and therefore I make myself out to be royalty versus the real royalty of the King of Kings... (Whoa.  Okay.  Stop.  Take a breath.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Better now.)    :)

It seems that God has more to teach me, using my "Envy lesson" from last week as a springboard . 

Webster's says Pride is a "high opinion of one's worth."  For me,  the connotation is that this worth is higher than everyone else's.  A prideful person feels that they are better than others, that their opinion is the correct one, the only one that matters in the end.

It's occurred to me recently that the opposite is also true.  Thinking that you are worse than everyone else is also pride.

"Okay, um, HUH?  What did you just say?"

I believe that when I am down on myself I am just as prideful as being "up" on myself. 

Whether my opinion of myself is for good or for bad, if it differs from God's opinion of me, it's wrong.  Moreover, it's sin.  Pride.

Romans 14:23 says, "Whatever is not from faith is sin."   Any time I trust or believe my own opinion over God's, I am in defiance of God.  Sin.

 

Now, we are also called to "think of ourselves with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given us." (Rom 12:3)  Complete honesty.  Total openness.  Based on GOD'S WORD, not on my own fickle feelings or whims of the world.

How does He see me?

As clay He is molding.  

More than that, as a sheep He is leading.  

More than that, as a servant He is charging.  

More than that, as a child He is teaching.  

More than that, as a friend He is confiding.

More than that, as The Beloved He is pursuing, wooing, loving. 

Hmmm.  I like that.  That sounds a whole lot better than what I have been thinking.

(progression of relationship courtesy of John Eldredge)

When green is not so becoming

I follow several blogs. If you're interested in them you can scroll down this page and peruse them to your heart's content.

I am loving reading these and am learning a lot, but I must admit, these blogs have one big flaw.

The writers are WAY too talented. 

Okay, yes, it's true, I admit it.  I have fallen prey to the green-eyed monster.  I look at the obvious talent and anointing of these bloggers and I think to myself, "I wish I'd thought of that!  If only I had an abundance of writing ideas like she does, or her eloquence, or tenacity, or wisdom, or sense of humor, or heck, just her sense!"  

Hello, my name is Debbie, and I'm an envy-aholic.  Well, okay,  maybe not quite that bad, but there are times. 

Jealousy for me doesn't manifest itself in a "mean girl," out-to-getcha kind of way.  I turn inward, berating myself for a lack of discipline, agonizing over my failure to be motivated,  counting off any number of other real or imagined faults, and finally succumb to my defeatist thought patterns.  

Yeah, I know.  None of that is really helpful.  Or from God.  As soon as I start comparing my measure of talent with another's seemingly greater measure it cracks open a door for The Enemy.  And of course, he takes full advantage.  The Devil doesn't make me do it, but he never misses an opportunity to take the ball and run with it.

***  ***  ***  ***   ***

It's now 30 minutes later.  I've worked for 2 minutes on a speech, gotten Nathan up from his nap, folded and put away a load of laundry, and nearly finished eating my second package of Finding Nemo fruit snacks.  Avoidance takes many forms.

It was clear to me early this morning that I was to post today, but I had no idea it would be on this topic.  I also had no idea it would be such a personal struggle.  

God is trying to tell me something.  Somewhere inside me, I don't want to hear it.  He wants to go deeper into my heart in this area than I've let Him go before.  I'm afraid to feel that pain, even though I know He wants to heal it.  I have to walk through it to get to the other side.  And yet I am resistant to the freedom.  Of course, The Enemy doesn't want me any closer to God, so he wants to run with the ball again.  But this time I'm not going to throw it to him.

As I was folding the towels, wondering at the source of my resistance, a phrase came to my mind:  "Five Loaves and Two Fish."  This is a concept I'm familiar with and that I have posted on before, but not quite in this way.  I immediately knew what He was saying, but I needed to write it to clarify it in my own mind.

The story of the feeding of the five thousand appears in all four gospels, but only in John does it mention that the loaves and fish belonged to a poor young boy.  He brought what he had to eat that day--five loaves and two fish--and gave it to Jesus.

 

Obviously he didn't think what I would have, "My little lunch is too small and insignificant to make much difference."  He knew it wouldn't be enough to feed all of the people.  He didn't worry that other boys might have had bigger lunches.  He simply offered what he had to God to do as He saw fit.  And it was enough.  More than enough.

What if he had left the house that morning with six loaves and three fish?  Would that have been a significantly larger gift in the grand scheme of the miracle to come?   Even if he'd brought an entire banquet, in reality, it wouldn't have made but miniscule difference.  The miracle wasn't in the gift itself. 

And we all know the rest of the story.

So the message to me today, the loving insight that speaks healing to places in my heart that have been quietly festering for decades, is this:  It's not the size of the gift--the amount of talent--that matters, it's what God can do with it.  He isn't limited by size.  In fact, many times He prefers to do great works with things "as small as a mustard seed."  But first I have to offer my measure of talent to Him.  

My purpose is not to be "better," "worse" or "as good as" anyone else.  My purpose is to listen and obey and do the best I can. 

To that end, I offer this blog and all the posts as gifts to God to use and multiply when, if and how He sees fit.  I'm excited to see Him in action.  And I'm looking forward to following all my favorite blogs with a renewed sense of wonder and gratitude for any measure I've been given.

No-Repeat Week

YES!  It's finally Monday!

No I'm not insane, especially as this weekend was the time change to Daylight Savings and we all seem to be feeling the effects.  Last week was a week I do not care to repeat.

Last Sunday, Clinton left for 2 days to attend the ACMI meeting in Indianapolis.  I usually try to go with him and leave the boys with my in-laws, but with it being 2 overnights we thought that would be too much for Nathan right now.  It was a good thing I didn't go.  Or, I should say, a GOD-THING I didn't go.

We've known for a few months that my father-in-law, Terry, needed open-heart surgery.  The medical staff had said would probably be scheduled for later in March, a week or two away at least.  Monday afternoon my mother-in-law, Carolyn, called me.  They wanted him to come Wednesday.  As in two days away.  Tuesday would be spent in prep with surgery first thing Wednesday morning.  She was in a near total panic trying to make arrangements, phone calls, etc.  Good thing she didn't have my boys through Tuesday as we'd planned or they wouldn't have been able to do it.  GOD-THING! 

Clinton's sister, Amy, who lives in Dallas, travels a lot with her job. As it turned out, she was in Indianapolis for a meeting that got out at 3:00 on Tuesday.  Clinton's meeting got out at noon.  He was able to pick her up from the meeting and drive her back with him.  What are the chances of that?  Not a coincidence.  A God-incidence.  GOD-THING!

Clinton and Amy arrived home shortly before 6:00.  I pulled in to Terry and Carolyn's driveway a little after 6:00 with pizza for everyone.  Rachel, the youngest sister who lives in St Louis, pulled into the driveway as I was unloading the pizza.  GOD-THING!  We were all able to spend a wonderful evening together before Dad's surgery on Wednesday.  GOD-THING!

There is a special Legg family story involving the Fruit of the Spirit that I won't share with you now, but guess what verse was part of my devotional on Wednesday morning?  You guessed it!  You're so smart!  Galatians 5:22, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."  Coincidence?  I think not!  A small reassurance that He had it all under control.  GOD-THING!

While the rest of the family was at the hospital, my job was to keep the home front running as normal as possible for Matthew and Nathan and be the point of contact to disseminate information as it became available.  I'm fairly good at talking, so this was no stretch for me.

Dad's surgery was delayed a couple of times on Wednesday.   Before leaving for Wednesday Night Family Night at church I got an update, which I was able to share with our church family -- still in surgery, going well, likely a few more hours.  After the meal as Craig, our Senior Minister, was praying, my cell phone rang.  Surgery was finished and he came through it very well!  I'm sure it was rather hilarious to watch me bent over, to try to get underneath the table to corral a loud, playful Nathan, talking as quietly as possible on my cell while everyone else was solemnly lifting prayers to The Lord.  But, as Craig finished, I was able to stand up, wave my hands around and announce the wonderful news.  Could the timing have worked out that way by chance?  No way!  GOD-THING!

Oh, and some dear friends, Gary and Mary, had a new grandson on Wednesday, so we were able to rejoice and relay that happy information as well.  Great news on a very stressful day.  GOD-THING! 

Wednesday night I collapsed into bed, missing my husband and emotionally exhausted.  My cell phone battery was also collapsing, so I plugged it in to recharge.  Little did I know what Thursday would hold.

Our dear friend Beth's dear mother, Earline, had had a procedure done on Tuesday that was apparently, um, how can I say this delicately, SCREWED UP!  She went in Thursday afternoon for emergency surgery that successfully fixed the main problem.  Hurray!  However, as a consequence of the initial screw up, she developed kidney failure, a bad infection and other complications that now have her on a ventilator.  We are praying for her and the entire family, and are grateful for cell phones, email and Facebook to keep us up to date with the latest.  

All of the house phones needed to be charged by the end of Thursday.

Friday and Saturday included much more relaying of info, keeping life as normal as possible, and picking up any pieces that needed to be picked up.  

Sunday afternoon (yesterday) Terry got to come home and we were all thrilled.  Unfortunately, Earline is still in the hospital and not getting any better yet.  Info continues to be relayed, prayers continue to be lifted, and phones continue to recharge.

We are all still a bit wrung out, but I'm sure we're not nearly as bad as Earline and her family.  But I do know (and Beth, Earline and the family know as well) that God is there with them and will see them through.  My biggest prayer right now is that a week from today, Earline will be miraculously improved and we will have many more God-things to share.

Puttin' My Hand in The Hand

 For the past, I don't know, 6 months or so, Psalm 37:23&24 has been a theme in my life:

 A man's steps are established by the Lord,

 and He delights in his way.

Even though he falls, he will not be overwhelmed,

 because the Lord holds his hand.

  

As the mother of a toddler, I totally identify.

No matter where we go, if we're walking, Nathan is right there beside me, or at least in very close proximity.  When we begin to cross the parking lot or walk where the ground is uneven, I grab his hand.  That way even if he does trip, he may get a skinned knee, but he's not going all the way down.  No bloody noses or bruised foreheads.  No teeth knocked out.  No major damage.  If he starts to pull away, I can (gently) yank him back.  It's also a chance to rub my fingers over his sweet baby hand or give a little squeeze to convey how much I love him.

Same with God and me.  He's got my hand.  He watches out for me, keeping me from tripping over rocky relationships.  He yanks me back when I strain ahead towards danger I can't see.   I may get my foot wet from stepping in the pothole, but I won't be sprawled out on the concrete.  And I can give His hand a little squeeze just as He can squeeze mine.  The mental picture I have of Him guiding me, protecting me and loving me never fails to bring a smile to my face and a thrill to my heart.

That is, unless I let go.  If I'm determined to wriggle "free," He'll let me.  If I sneer at Him and say, "I do it myself!" then He'll oblige.

On my own can be a very scary place.

I think I'll hang on.  

How about you? 

A Spoonful of Grace Helps the Judgement Go Down

Today I had the privilege of reading Heather's latest blog entry on freelybroken.blogspot.com.  In it she candidly shares her struggle with being judgmental.  I wanted to post a comment on her blog about what helps me in that area, but then I decided that, as long-winded as I can be, it might be better to blog on it myself.  

 

So what do I do to combat being judgmental?  (I use the word combat on purpose, because it is definitely a battle)  Two things that are closely related.

A)  In my experience, most of the time people hurt us unintentionally.  I can't take the offense (real or made up) personally.  The Rude Cashier didn't mean for the comment to sound so harsh.  The Stupid Driver didn't single me out to cut me off, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  My Friend didn't intend to make that horrible decision to aggravate me, something else must be going on in her life.  Don't take it personally.  Try to give the benefit of the doubt.  A little grace can go a long way.  

Even if we suspect what they did WAS intentional, what better way to diffuse it and make it stop than to let it roll off?  Truthfully, nothing gets my goat more than someone who won't fight with me when I want them to, but it does take two to tangle.  Yes, I will be a little perturbed that you're not going to be baited, but really, it will be so fun for you to watch my reaction.  (Okay, my human nature is coming out)  It's also helpful to remember Proverbs 19:11, A man's wisdom gives him patience;  it is to his glory to overlook an offense.   I usually have to quote it to myself early and often.

2) I remind myself that I do not have all the information on a person or situation.  For all I know, the Rude Cashier may just have learned that her mother is dying of cancer.  The Stupid Driver may be losing his job at the end of the week.  My Friend who made a stupid decision might be influenced by people or situations I know nothing about.  There is nearly always more to the story than I know at the time.

This is the way that I try to react when confronted with Rude Cashier:  "Wow, she seems to be having a bad day.  I wonder why?  Did I do something to contribute to it and need to apologize?  No.  Is there anything I can do to help turn her day around?  Yes.  I can be sure to smile at her and tell her 'Thank you.'  I can try to lighten the day with a funny observation.  Above all, I can pray for her, that God will meet her where she is right now and shine His light into her life.  That He would send His comfort and strength, wisdom and understanding into whatever situation she is facing today.  That I can be His hands and feet to her." 

I'll be the first (and loudest) to admit that I don't always succeed in this.  But I am trying to follow Romans 12:2 and "no longer conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of my mind."  Transformation takes both time and the power of the Holy Spirit. 

God overlooks the hundreds of times each day that I snub him.  He forgives me when I'm harsh with my kids and my husband.  He waits patiently when I cut Him off before He's finished talking to me.   The least I can do is try to extend that same grace to others.

Creativity In All Its Forms

I believe that women, in general, are pretty good at multi-tasking. 

I'm not quite as good at it as some.  It seems I can handle several small things at once (I am, after all, a mom), but big projects?  One at a time, please.

I finally sent my skit to be edited and I guess my brain decided it needed to take a break.  So in place of creatively writing, I've been creatively decluttering.

I don't like a lot of "stuff".  Clutter stresses me out.  I'm not a collector.  My preferred style of decorating is minimalist.  Of course, I'm married to a pack rat, so our house is a happy medium.  

However, one thing I do seem to collect is information.  I am a pack rat of paper.  So this week I've done a complete 180 from writing.  Rather than create more papers I am flinging paper.  Flylady would be proud.  I even came prepared with a new box of band-aids on hand for the inevitable paper cuts. 

There are several places in my kitchen and office that have become repositories for paper clutter.  I want my info close at hand, but then I can't find what I need in the piles, if I remember I have it in the first place.  Those places are now either gone or severely edited.  Anything I want to save I'm placing in a bin until I get my filing cabinet drawer "flung through" (hopefully next week).  

This newly decluttered drawer will be a haven for ideas and other information I find interesting and worth saving.  It will be organized.  Even if I only have one piece of paper per folder, that paper will have a home in that folder.  Hmmmm.  I may need to purchase another box of file folders.  Or two.  Better add that to my shopping list.

You may remember a few weeks back when I posted a picture of my "office space."  Here is the before and after:

It feels amazing to have the clutter thrown out, or at least put in temporary housing in the basement while its mansion is being built.   I can't wait for next week to tackle that file drawer!  

Some may ask why I didn't start with the file drawer and have it ready before sorting the office and kitchen papers.  The answer is that I know myself, and if I can accomplish a few smaller tasks and get them out of the way I am more motivated to tackle the bigger task.  Starting with the big task can seem too overwhelming.

 I guess I'm proof of the old saying, "You can do it all, you just can't do it all at once."  

Maybe that makes me a Minimal Multi-tasker...?