When green is not so becoming

I follow several blogs. If you're interested in them you can scroll down this page and peruse them to your heart's content.

I am loving reading these and am learning a lot, but I must admit, these blogs have one big flaw.

The writers are WAY too talented. 

Okay, yes, it's true, I admit it.  I have fallen prey to the green-eyed monster.  I look at the obvious talent and anointing of these bloggers and I think to myself, "I wish I'd thought of that!  If only I had an abundance of writing ideas like she does, or her eloquence, or tenacity, or wisdom, or sense of humor, or heck, just her sense!"  

Hello, my name is Debbie, and I'm an envy-aholic.  Well, okay,  maybe not quite that bad, but there are times. 

Jealousy for me doesn't manifest itself in a "mean girl," out-to-getcha kind of way.  I turn inward, berating myself for a lack of discipline, agonizing over my failure to be motivated,  counting off any number of other real or imagined faults, and finally succumb to my defeatist thought patterns.  

Yeah, I know.  None of that is really helpful.  Or from God.  As soon as I start comparing my measure of talent with another's seemingly greater measure it cracks open a door for The Enemy.  And of course, he takes full advantage.  The Devil doesn't make me do it, but he never misses an opportunity to take the ball and run with it.

***  ***  ***  ***   ***

It's now 30 minutes later.  I've worked for 2 minutes on a speech, gotten Nathan up from his nap, folded and put away a load of laundry, and nearly finished eating my second package of Finding Nemo fruit snacks.  Avoidance takes many forms.

It was clear to me early this morning that I was to post today, but I had no idea it would be on this topic.  I also had no idea it would be such a personal struggle.  

God is trying to tell me something.  Somewhere inside me, I don't want to hear it.  He wants to go deeper into my heart in this area than I've let Him go before.  I'm afraid to feel that pain, even though I know He wants to heal it.  I have to walk through it to get to the other side.  And yet I am resistant to the freedom.  Of course, The Enemy doesn't want me any closer to God, so he wants to run with the ball again.  But this time I'm not going to throw it to him.

As I was folding the towels, wondering at the source of my resistance, a phrase came to my mind:  "Five Loaves and Two Fish."  This is a concept I'm familiar with and that I have posted on before, but not quite in this way.  I immediately knew what He was saying, but I needed to write it to clarify it in my own mind.

The story of the feeding of the five thousand appears in all four gospels, but only in John does it mention that the loaves and fish belonged to a poor young boy.  He brought what he had to eat that day--five loaves and two fish--and gave it to Jesus.

 

Obviously he didn't think what I would have, "My little lunch is too small and insignificant to make much difference."  He knew it wouldn't be enough to feed all of the people.  He didn't worry that other boys might have had bigger lunches.  He simply offered what he had to God to do as He saw fit.  And it was enough.  More than enough.

What if he had left the house that morning with six loaves and three fish?  Would that have been a significantly larger gift in the grand scheme of the miracle to come?   Even if he'd brought an entire banquet, in reality, it wouldn't have made but miniscule difference.  The miracle wasn't in the gift itself. 

And we all know the rest of the story.

So the message to me today, the loving insight that speaks healing to places in my heart that have been quietly festering for decades, is this:  It's not the size of the gift--the amount of talent--that matters, it's what God can do with it.  He isn't limited by size.  In fact, many times He prefers to do great works with things "as small as a mustard seed."  But first I have to offer my measure of talent to Him.  

My purpose is not to be "better," "worse" or "as good as" anyone else.  My purpose is to listen and obey and do the best I can. 

To that end, I offer this blog and all the posts as gifts to God to use and multiply when, if and how He sees fit.  I'm excited to see Him in action.  And I'm looking forward to following all my favorite blogs with a renewed sense of wonder and gratitude for any measure I've been given.

5 Loaves + 2 Fish = 20 Years of Theater

I am five loaves and two fish.
It all started sophomore year of high school. The friends I walked home with decided to join the Props Crew in the Theater Department at our high school. I didn't really want to walk home by myself every day, and so I joined them. The show in production was "Guys and Dolls." Actors, singers, dancers, makeup, lighting, sets, costumes, drops...all was exciting and new to me.
I was thrilled that as a new member of the backstage crews I was assigned a big and important job. I got to move The Trash Can during a scene change. Ah, yes, I remember it well. It was a high stakes, high pressure situation.
Well, okay, so I exaggerate. After all, any idiot can move a trash can out of the way. Even so, somehow during one rehearsal I managed to forget it. After rehearsal Erika, one of the dancers, made it clear to me (very nicely) that if I didn't move the trash can, she couldn't do her flip onto the stage and the next scene could not start. This information switched on the light bulb in my head.
I realized that I had the opportunity to contribute to the success or failure of this show. I didn't have to be tall, blonde, pretty, smart, rich, funny, talented or athletic to perform this task. This was a niche I could fill. I could be part of something fun, exciting and creative.
I was also completely fascinated by the whole dynamic behind the production. So many people came together, with different backgrounds and ideas and reasons to be there, and created something that lived, breathed, and affected people. This wasn't a painting you looked at on a wall -- this was living art. Every single performance was unique and yet the same. Each person had their own job to do in time, each thread woven purposefully in the tapestry, line by line, scene by scene. It was incredibly exciting to me. And I got to be a tiny thread... This was the birth of the first passion in my life.
Back then it didn't occur to me that I would do anything but work on a crew of some sort, possibly even be Stage Manager. I did get to stage manage a few shows later in high school, after we moved from my beloved Chicago suburb to the DC suburbs. My plan in college was to continue and work backstage in professional theater. Nothing glamorous, nothing grand, but part of something I loved. God, however, had other plans.
God has taken my very small measure of talent and knowledge, my five loaves and two fish, and multiplied them in ways I could never have imagined back then. I have had the privilege of being a part of some wonderful and amazing productions over the past 20 some years after high school. I have been able to stage manage, perform, even write and direct theatrical productions. The writing especially is something that was never even on the radar. Granted, none of the shows have been what anyone would call professional. They have nearly all been church related, but God has given me the opportunity to use my tiny bit of knowledge and talent to further His Kingdom in this way. And each time I am presented with the opportunity to fill this niche in this tiny corner of the Kingdom, I am honored and humbled to play my part.