Getting My Guard Up

I have started and deleted this post MANY times over the last few weeks.  

Even now it is very difficult to sit and write because I'm not quite "there" yet.  I haven't mastered this lesson.  The worst part is, in this lifetime, I never will.  But that said, here goes nothing.  For about the eleventh time.  I hope it makes any kind of sense.

God has really been working on cleaning out and healing my heart and mind since about February.  As much as I'm enjoying my newly-found freedoms, He started with the easier areas first (see previous posts from the past 6 months).  

That means that we have gone from dusting tables to now dragging out the yucky, moldy, stinky, useless, disgusting junk in the basement.  (DISCLAIMER:  Just so we're clear, this is a picture of my heart, not the lowest level of my house.  Hmmmm...maybe this is why I've gone off Flylady and decluttering my house?  I guess I can only handle one cleaning binge at a time.) 

This is NOT my idea of fun.  Some of my scars have been with me so long I've considered having them apply for their own social security numbers.   

But that's the problem.  Jesus came to restore my heart, to heal it.  He doesn't want me (or you) to suffer any longer.  He especially doesn't want to leave anything the Enemy can use to his advantage.  He wants me (and you) healed, healthy and holy.  Deep down I want that, too.  But the process hurts, and it's hard.  It's not a magic-potion-once-and-for-all cure.  My only hope of that is Eternity.  But to grow closer to Him, to become every day more and more His Beloved, it has to be done.  *big sigh*

Right now, at this point in the battle, this is what it's about:

Proverbs 4:23  Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

These are the words I keep hearing over and over and keep repeating to myself every time junk comes up.  DEBBIE -- GUARD.  YOUR.  HEART.

Not shut my heart down.  Not close it off.  Not erect a high, impenetrable fortress.  While my heart needs to be well protected there must also be access, places for love and truth to move in and out.  My strong wall definitely needs a gate or two.   

I've always been open-hearted.  When I love I really, really love.  My heart really can contain a wellspring of life.

But it must bubble up pure water.  I have to stop letting pollutants in.  I need to be careful and watch what I allow into my heart.  Not just from the outside world, but from my own mind as well.

How do I do this?  I'm still working a lot of that out.  But here are my best weapons so far: 

2 Corinthians 10:5, We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Psalm 101:2b-3, I will walk in my house with a blameless heart.  I will set before my (*mind's) eyes no vile thing.  (*addition in parentheses mine)

John 8:31b-32, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."   (all emphasis mine)

When my mind starts to wander (which it does when I'm sad, anxious, lonely, frustrated, weak etc.  Basically throughout most of my day) I've got to take my thoughts captive and speak God's truth into them.  I have to choose, moment by moment,  to believe the truth and not the lie.  Even if I don't have all of the information about a situation, I have to remind myself of what I do know to be true and then wait for more information from God, scripture, circumstances or other people. 

The HUGE BONUS (and the best part) is, by guarding my heart, I am also guarding my husband's heart.  And my sons' hearts.  And my family's hearts.  And my friends'.  And those I minister with.  And those I minister to.   If I use God's truth to build the wall of protection around my heart then all those that I love and cherish will be protected, too.

Even though I will always struggle in this area,  I know that the weapons I familiarize myself with now will serve me well in the future. 

That sounds very freeing to me.

Creativity In All Its Forms

I believe that women, in general, are pretty good at multi-tasking. 

I'm not quite as good at it as some.  It seems I can handle several small things at once (I am, after all, a mom), but big projects?  One at a time, please.

I finally sent my skit to be edited and I guess my brain decided it needed to take a break.  So in place of creatively writing, I've been creatively decluttering.

I don't like a lot of "stuff".  Clutter stresses me out.  I'm not a collector.  My preferred style of decorating is minimalist.  Of course, I'm married to a pack rat, so our house is a happy medium.  

However, one thing I do seem to collect is information.  I am a pack rat of paper.  So this week I've done a complete 180 from writing.  Rather than create more papers I am flinging paper.  Flylady would be proud.  I even came prepared with a new box of band-aids on hand for the inevitable paper cuts. 

There are several places in my kitchen and office that have become repositories for paper clutter.  I want my info close at hand, but then I can't find what I need in the piles, if I remember I have it in the first place.  Those places are now either gone or severely edited.  Anything I want to save I'm placing in a bin until I get my filing cabinet drawer "flung through" (hopefully next week).  

This newly decluttered drawer will be a haven for ideas and other information I find interesting and worth saving.  It will be organized.  Even if I only have one piece of paper per folder, that paper will have a home in that folder.  Hmmmm.  I may need to purchase another box of file folders.  Or two.  Better add that to my shopping list.

You may remember a few weeks back when I posted a picture of my "office space."  Here is the before and after:

It feels amazing to have the clutter thrown out, or at least put in temporary housing in the basement while its mansion is being built.   I can't wait for next week to tackle that file drawer!  

Some may ask why I didn't start with the file drawer and have it ready before sorting the office and kitchen papers.  The answer is that I know myself, and if I can accomplish a few smaller tasks and get them out of the way I am more motivated to tackle the bigger task.  Starting with the big task can seem too overwhelming.

 I guess I'm proof of the old saying, "You can do it all, you just can't do it all at once."  

Maybe that makes me a Minimal Multi-tasker...?

Goals Schmoals

So my friend Joline and I are now over 2 months into our workout accountability, and I think it's going well.  We both slacked off A BIT during the holidays, but now we're back on track.  Yeah for us!


The nice thing is that this accountability seems to be rubbing off into other areas of our lives.  As you may remember from last year, Joline blogs at TheCuppaJo.  Today she informed me of her writing goals.  I thought that was a great idea so I came up with some myself.  They are:


1. Post in my blog at least once a week.
2. Write for 15 minutes a day.  As Flylady says, you can do anything for 15 minutes.  I am also planning to work out for 15-20, declutter for 15, and read for 15.  So far in 2010 that has all happened together in a single day, but I am trying. 
3. Start a Writer's Group.  Praying and seeking guidance on that one, but I believe this is what I'm supposed to do.  Hopefully more on that later.
4. Write a kick a** inspiring script for Ladies' Day on April 17.  You'll have to come to Ladies' Day to see how I do.


There.  I said it.  Or rather wrote it.  In print.  For all the world to see.   

YIKES!!!!  WHAT HAVE I DONE???!!!  AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! (That's the sound of me running down the road, screaming and pulling my hair out)


Okay, so these are not earth-shattering goals.  I didn't say I wanted to write The Great American Novel or The Next Blockbuster Movie.  These just might be attainable goals FOR ME.  If I keep plugging away (and limit my Facebook time), by the Grace of God I might complete 2010 with something to show for it.


I'll keep you posted.


 
By the way, I've added a picture of "the office," where I plan to do at least part of the writing, which is really just a converted closet in the kitchen. 


I've also posted the bulletin board where I've listed these goals.  By the way, no slamming me on the messy desk.  I've not decluttered that far yet.

  

Fit By Forty

It took a while, but it has happened.

In general I am pretty good about watching what I eat.  Lately though I've been watching what I eat go in my mouth, down to my lower half and expanding.  Two weeks ago when I was running late for church I went to put on my favorite khakis and I could not get them on.  

I was HACKED.  At myself.  I knew I'd been really careless and have noticed my pants getting tighter, but this was the first time this fall I'd tried to wear these particular pants.  Apparently I hit the breaking point.  

For those of you who know me, just stop with the "Wah wah wah you're so little you don't have anything to worry about blah blah blah."  Here is the thing:  It doesn't matter what size you are.  If you gain enough weight that you don't fit your clothes,  you have a problem.  And while I do have some yoga pants, I do not want to have to wear them all the time.


I rather like my wardrobe.  It has taken me several years and a substantial investment to build it to this point.  I FLAT OUT REFUSE to let myself go to the point that I have to start over from scratch.  I busted my tail (literally) to get back into my clothes after Nathan was born.  Gaining a few pounds is one thing.  Not fitting your clothes is quite another.


As an added bonus, I will turn the big 4-0 on November 25, the day before Thanksgiving.  

I refuse to feel "fat and forty."  I refuse to have my clothing options limited by my own poor choices and lack of will power.  I refuse to buy another wardrobe.  I refuse to loathe seeing myself in a mirror.  I refuse to be unhealthy.  I refuse to allow the Enemy to have any little niche to poke his nose in and cause me trouble.  I refuse.  I refuse.  I REFUSE!!!


I have just under three weeks to get my rear in gear to meet my goal and fit into my khakis.  This is an attainable goal.  I am working my plan.


And as I know that at the age of forty it gets REALLY hard to keep weight off, I intend to continue to make changes in my lifestyle.  For a while now I have been slowly making small improvements in our eating habits and will continue to do so.  

The biggest obstacle is making exercise a priority.  But, even fifteen minutes a day can help.  As Flylady says, "You can do anything for fifteen minutes."  The near-miraculous transformation of my previously cluttered basement is proof of that.


I intend to have a little less "junk in my trunk" in three weeks.  I intend to wear my khakis to Thanksgiving dinner.



Oh, and uh, I intend to ask you to please pray for me.

Holding On

Flylady.net has been, and continues to be, a huge help to me.  This wonderful lady and her team are revolutionizing my life by helping me declutter and organize.  My basement looks better than it has since we moved into this house 9 years ago, and my cabinets and closets, papers and piles, are slowly but surely coming into line.  Babysteps rule!

I have pitched and/or given away literally dozens of large trash bags full of stuff.  If I don't use it, need it or love it, it's gone.  Outta here.  Later, gator.  Several local organizations are benefiting from this process, and I am overjoyed to bless others with these items. 


However, there are a few things I am struggling with getting rid of.   I'm having a real hard time parting with my maternity clothes.  And Nathan's baby clothes.  I know for certain that neither of us will use them again, but I can't bring myself to let them go. I've happily loaned them out to others, but there's just something about the permanence of giving them away that so far has made me hesitate.


I do know that I will get there, that one day (hopefully) soon I WILL HAVE HAD IT and I will quickly grab them and take them to our local crisis pregnancy center...just not yet. 

I'm saddened that this seems so difficult for me.  I understand about emotional attachement and what not and I know I will be okay with it eventually, but it makes me wonder...


What other things in my life do not work for me, do I no longer need, and do I not love, that I still stubbornly refuse to throw away?  What habits, attitudes, agreements am I harboring like fugitives in the basement of my spirit?  


Who'd a thunk that decluttering the basement would have such an impact on the clutter in my soul?