Music Therapy

It's been nearly two months since I've posted here.  I guess my "excuse" could be summed up with, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

It's been a bit of a rough patch for me since my last post.  Nothing major, just a lot of little things that have added up.  A necessary but bittersweet break from the film.  Friends and family facing personal struggles that I am helpless to do anything about other than pray.  My annual bout of Pre-Christmas Blues.  Major rifts in some cherished relationships.  Painful health issues that are taking their sweet time healing.

Yeah, I know.  I hear you.  You're sending some cheese to go with my whine.  (I prefer Colby-Jack or a nice Brie, just in case you're interested)  ;)

Truthfully, I'm not whining.  I'm not complaining.  EVERYONE has pain.  I get it.  I'm cool with it.

Throughout it all there has been an underlying Peace.  You know,  the One That Passes All Understanding.  I know that this too shall pass.  God is meeting me at each and every broken place. It's a beautiful thing.

I only share my obstacles because I can't share what is helping me deal without sharing them in the first place.

While I'm not a musician (yet), I have always enjoyed music.  Music reaches us in places we can't begin to fathom:

Its language is a language which the soul
alone understands,
but which the soul can never translate.
~ Arnold Bennett (1867 - 1931) ~


I'd like to share with you a list of songs that help heal me, encourage me, support me, inspire me, comfort me, strengthen me, and continue to minister to me through tough moments.  Here they are, in no particular order:


Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real  
** This song has been KEY for me.
"Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly"

That's What Faith Can Do by Kutless
"Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining"

Hold On by Toby Mac
"If you can hold on,
to the one that's holding you
there is nothing that can
stop this crazy love
from breaking through"

Get Back Up by Toby Mac
"We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you will shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever"

Before the Morning by Josh Wilson
"So hold on you gotta wait for the light
press on and just fight the good fight
'cause the pain that you've been feeling
is just the dark before the morning"

Sometimes He Calms the Storm by Scott Krippayne
"Sometimes he calms the storm
and other times he calms his child"

The Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says 'do not be afraid!'"

While I'm Waiting by John Waller
"I'm waiting, I'm waiting on you Lord
and I am hopeful, I'm waiting on you Lord
though it is painful, I'm waiting on you Lord"

Rise by David Wilcox
** Okay, if you've never heard of David Wilcox (American, not Canadian), YOU ARE MISSING OUT!
"I know that a heart can just get buried
Stone by stone, crushing hope until it dies
Far away, but the message somehow carries
Beloved, it is time for you to rise."

Blessed Be Your Name by Tree 63
"Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord still I will say"

Move Along by The All-American Rejects
"when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through"

Our God by Chris Tomlin
** OF COURSE I would have a Chris Tomlin song on here.  Don't you know me at all?  :)
"Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God"

Healing Hand of God by Jeremy Camp
"Taste and see the fullness of His peace,
And hold on to what's being held out.
The healing hand of God"

He Will Carry Me by Mark Schultz
"And even though I'm walkin' through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me"


What songs minister to you?

Getting My Guard Up

I have started and deleted this post MANY times over the last few weeks.  

Even now it is very difficult to sit and write because I'm not quite "there" yet.  I haven't mastered this lesson.  The worst part is, in this lifetime, I never will.  But that said, here goes nothing.  For about the eleventh time.  I hope it makes any kind of sense.

God has really been working on cleaning out and healing my heart and mind since about February.  As much as I'm enjoying my newly-found freedoms, He started with the easier areas first (see previous posts from the past 6 months).  

That means that we have gone from dusting tables to now dragging out the yucky, moldy, stinky, useless, disgusting junk in the basement.  (DISCLAIMER:  Just so we're clear, this is a picture of my heart, not the lowest level of my house.  Hmmmm...maybe this is why I've gone off Flylady and decluttering my house?  I guess I can only handle one cleaning binge at a time.) 

This is NOT my idea of fun.  Some of my scars have been with me so long I've considered having them apply for their own social security numbers.   

But that's the problem.  Jesus came to restore my heart, to heal it.  He doesn't want me (or you) to suffer any longer.  He especially doesn't want to leave anything the Enemy can use to his advantage.  He wants me (and you) healed, healthy and holy.  Deep down I want that, too.  But the process hurts, and it's hard.  It's not a magic-potion-once-and-for-all cure.  My only hope of that is Eternity.  But to grow closer to Him, to become every day more and more His Beloved, it has to be done.  *big sigh*

Right now, at this point in the battle, this is what it's about:

Proverbs 4:23  Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

These are the words I keep hearing over and over and keep repeating to myself every time junk comes up.  DEBBIE -- GUARD.  YOUR.  HEART.

Not shut my heart down.  Not close it off.  Not erect a high, impenetrable fortress.  While my heart needs to be well protected there must also be access, places for love and truth to move in and out.  My strong wall definitely needs a gate or two.   

I've always been open-hearted.  When I love I really, really love.  My heart really can contain a wellspring of life.

But it must bubble up pure water.  I have to stop letting pollutants in.  I need to be careful and watch what I allow into my heart.  Not just from the outside world, but from my own mind as well.

How do I do this?  I'm still working a lot of that out.  But here are my best weapons so far: 

2 Corinthians 10:5, We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Psalm 101:2b-3, I will walk in my house with a blameless heart.  I will set before my (*mind's) eyes no vile thing.  (*addition in parentheses mine)

John 8:31b-32, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."   (all emphasis mine)

When my mind starts to wander (which it does when I'm sad, anxious, lonely, frustrated, weak etc.  Basically throughout most of my day) I've got to take my thoughts captive and speak God's truth into them.  I have to choose, moment by moment,  to believe the truth and not the lie.  Even if I don't have all of the information about a situation, I have to remind myself of what I do know to be true and then wait for more information from God, scripture, circumstances or other people. 

The HUGE BONUS (and the best part) is, by guarding my heart, I am also guarding my husband's heart.  And my sons' hearts.  And my family's hearts.  And my friends'.  And those I minister with.  And those I minister to.   If I use God's truth to build the wall of protection around my heart then all those that I love and cherish will be protected, too.

Even though I will always struggle in this area,  I know that the weapons I familiarize myself with now will serve me well in the future. 

That sounds very freeing to me.

Memorial Day Failures

Yesterday was Memorial Day.  A day set aside to remember those who fought and died for my freedom as an American.  Oh, and a federal holiday.  That is, unless you are a farmer.  National Day Off or not, if the fields are ready, you farm. 

It was also a day I fought a major battle for my own freedom.

Through the last year I've become more aware of the concept of spiritual warfare.  I hadn't really experienced it in full force until the last few weeks.  God has been leading me forward into new areas of creativity and ministry since February (see www.talkyourleggoff.com), and there has been some opposition along the way, but the serious attack began about 3 weeks ago.

I don't know if it's simply my writer's mind or what, but this battle had a theme: Failure.  Every area of my life was affected, from potty training Nathan to cooking to co-leading women's ministry to my relationship with Clinton to planting flowers.  EVERY TIME I tried to do ANYTHING it would go wrong, and I would hear in my mind, "FAIL!  FAIL!  FAIL!  I'm a screw-up.  I can't do it right.  It's all my fault.  I am a failure as a mom.  A failure as a wife.  A failure as a women's ministry leader.  I have been, am, and will always be a failure."  

I've dealt with my own negative thinking in the past, but this was...stronger.  Heavier.  More.  Wave after wave after wave knocked me down, ocean tides continued to roll in with no let up in sight.  Just as I'd stand up and get my bearings another would hit.  I have been close to tears every single moment of  the day for weeks.  I could sense it beginning to take a permanent toll.

  

The worst part was that I KNEW there was a spiritual component to all of this.  Deep down I KNEW this was the enemy and it was all lies.  But it FELT true.  I kept being presented with overwhelming evidence to support that I was a failure.  To add insult to injury, I felt too weak and powerless to even think of trying to fight.

I finally hit a crossroads yesterday morning while I was getting ready for the day.  I knew that if I continued on this path it would only get worse.  I've been down roads like this before.  I have no intention of going back.  Ever. 

Not by my might.  Not by my power.  But by His Spirit.

I'm usually a go-it-alone kind of gal.  God and I, we can handle it.  No need to bother anyone else.  It takes A LOT for me to ask for help, even just to ask for prayer for myself.  But I knew I needed the strength of others, the support of my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I finished getting ready and quickly messaged some of my most prayerful friends.  I committed myself and my schedule to serious time with God in the afternoon (Nathan's naptime) to draw strength and truth from His word and bind the enemy and cast him out.  Even with His strength and with others interceding for me, I wasn't sure what would happen.   In preparation I began listening to my iPod and various music and podcasts, including getting caught up on my One Year Daily Audio Bible podcast. 

Brian Hardin, who leads the Daily Audio Bible community and reads for the podcast, was on his way to Africa.  Until he could get set up there his wife, Jill Parr, was reading in his place.

 

The weight had started lifting, just a bit, after I made the decision to seek help earlier in the morning, but it was by no means gone.  The prayer at the end of this podcast confirmed to me that I was on the right track.  In fact, it was a major turning point.  

Here are Jill's exact words from her prayer at the end of the reading: 

I thank you, God, that your word is truth and I thank you that it is the truth that sets us free. But so many of us, instead of choosing to believe the truth, we believe the lie because the lie seems more believable than the truth. So God, I’m asking that every person that is listening now would know the truth, would choose the truth of how you see them, that we are not miserable failures, that we are not sinners, God, that we are saints saved by grace, forever striving to be more like you. I thank you, God, that your word breathes life into our weary bodies, our broken spirits, our crushed emotional beings. You come to heal the brokenhearted and to set the captive free. God, we’re wounded people. Each of us has a story, but we have been defined by that story for so long, God, that we forget that our identity comes through you and in you. God, please help us believe that we are everything that you say that we are. Help us to choose the truth, to believe the truth, and to walk in truth. In your name I pray, amen.  (emphasis mine)

I fully realize that I'm not the only one who needed to hear God speak those words yesterday, but I KNOW He intended that message for me, too.  I have been praying Psalm 43:3 a lot lately -- Send Your light and Your truth, let them lead me.   Jill's prayer spoke Light and Truth, calming the ocean tides into a glassy pond.  

I wanted to be sure I could always remember this and go back to it to see God's faithfulness.   I took up 12 pages in my prayer journal writing all of this and more.  (You are obviously reading an extremely edited version.)     

I am free.  Oh, I'm sure sometimes I'll feel like a miserable failure again.  Probably a lot of that will be my own negative thinking issues and not an all out enemy attack.  But now I have a defense, and I have my own plan of attack.  

This time, the enemy's power started to crack when I decided I had to do something, anything.  Asking for prayer dealt a serious blow.  The actual prayers added the strength and faith I needed to not give up.  Jill's prayer had the effect of an obliterating assault, and all I really had to do that afternoon was show up and walk into the light and truth of God's word. 

I am not a miserable failure.  I am God's Beloved. How fitting that my freedom came on Memorial Day. 

My prayer is that by sharing this you will be able to have your own Memorial Day.

When green is not so becoming

I follow several blogs. If you're interested in them you can scroll down this page and peruse them to your heart's content.

I am loving reading these and am learning a lot, but I must admit, these blogs have one big flaw.

The writers are WAY too talented. 

Okay, yes, it's true, I admit it.  I have fallen prey to the green-eyed monster.  I look at the obvious talent and anointing of these bloggers and I think to myself, "I wish I'd thought of that!  If only I had an abundance of writing ideas like she does, or her eloquence, or tenacity, or wisdom, or sense of humor, or heck, just her sense!"  

Hello, my name is Debbie, and I'm an envy-aholic.  Well, okay,  maybe not quite that bad, but there are times. 

Jealousy for me doesn't manifest itself in a "mean girl," out-to-getcha kind of way.  I turn inward, berating myself for a lack of discipline, agonizing over my failure to be motivated,  counting off any number of other real or imagined faults, and finally succumb to my defeatist thought patterns.  

Yeah, I know.  None of that is really helpful.  Or from God.  As soon as I start comparing my measure of talent with another's seemingly greater measure it cracks open a door for The Enemy.  And of course, he takes full advantage.  The Devil doesn't make me do it, but he never misses an opportunity to take the ball and run with it.

***  ***  ***  ***   ***

It's now 30 minutes later.  I've worked for 2 minutes on a speech, gotten Nathan up from his nap, folded and put away a load of laundry, and nearly finished eating my second package of Finding Nemo fruit snacks.  Avoidance takes many forms.

It was clear to me early this morning that I was to post today, but I had no idea it would be on this topic.  I also had no idea it would be such a personal struggle.  

God is trying to tell me something.  Somewhere inside me, I don't want to hear it.  He wants to go deeper into my heart in this area than I've let Him go before.  I'm afraid to feel that pain, even though I know He wants to heal it.  I have to walk through it to get to the other side.  And yet I am resistant to the freedom.  Of course, The Enemy doesn't want me any closer to God, so he wants to run with the ball again.  But this time I'm not going to throw it to him.

As I was folding the towels, wondering at the source of my resistance, a phrase came to my mind:  "Five Loaves and Two Fish."  This is a concept I'm familiar with and that I have posted on before, but not quite in this way.  I immediately knew what He was saying, but I needed to write it to clarify it in my own mind.

The story of the feeding of the five thousand appears in all four gospels, but only in John does it mention that the loaves and fish belonged to a poor young boy.  He brought what he had to eat that day--five loaves and two fish--and gave it to Jesus.

 

Obviously he didn't think what I would have, "My little lunch is too small and insignificant to make much difference."  He knew it wouldn't be enough to feed all of the people.  He didn't worry that other boys might have had bigger lunches.  He simply offered what he had to God to do as He saw fit.  And it was enough.  More than enough.

What if he had left the house that morning with six loaves and three fish?  Would that have been a significantly larger gift in the grand scheme of the miracle to come?   Even if he'd brought an entire banquet, in reality, it wouldn't have made but miniscule difference.  The miracle wasn't in the gift itself. 

And we all know the rest of the story.

So the message to me today, the loving insight that speaks healing to places in my heart that have been quietly festering for decades, is this:  It's not the size of the gift--the amount of talent--that matters, it's what God can do with it.  He isn't limited by size.  In fact, many times He prefers to do great works with things "as small as a mustard seed."  But first I have to offer my measure of talent to Him.  

My purpose is not to be "better," "worse" or "as good as" anyone else.  My purpose is to listen and obey and do the best I can. 

To that end, I offer this blog and all the posts as gifts to God to use and multiply when, if and how He sees fit.  I'm excited to see Him in action.  And I'm looking forward to following all my favorite blogs with a renewed sense of wonder and gratitude for any measure I've been given.

Whose War? Mine? Now wait a minute...

Spiritual warfare isn't something I'm extremely familiar with, but it has been a theme in my life over the last few weeks. I know that we have an Enemy who comes to kill, steal and destroy, the Devil who prowls around like a lion looking for someone to devour.

So my question is, what do I do? How do I win this battle? Three verses have stood out to me in how best to fight our Enemy. The first is from Ephesians 6:10-17.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Lessons from here: 1. Remember who the enemy is. My enemy is not anyone I can see with my eyes. Other Christians are not my enemy. Even non-believers who are violently against God are not my enemy. Satan and his minions are.
2. Use God's power, not mine. Not "be strong in myself", but strong in the Lord. Not "be strong in my mighty power" but strong in His. If I ask Him, He will help me. And He will help you.
3. The armor of God, if you'll notice, is nearly all based on defense. The only weapon is the Sword of the Spirit.
4. Why do we put on the armor? So we can STAND FIRM, STAND OUR GROUND. Not run around looking for a fight, but ready to stand when confronted with one.

The next is from James 4:7, "Submit therefore to God. Resist the Devil and he will flee from you." First we whole-heartedly offer ourselves to God. After that, we are not to stand there quivering in fear. We are not to let the Devil come up and push us over with his foul breath. We are to resist. This is an active stance. We use truth, righteousness, gospel, faith, our salvation and God's word against his attacks. When Jesus was tempted in the wilderness by Satan, this is EXACTLY what He did. (Matthew 4)

And finally, my favorite of these verses. Exodus 14:14 says, "The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." Moses said this to Israel as they watched all of Pharaoh's army ready to attack and kill them at the Red Sea.
If Israel had turned and fought the army in their own strength we would not be having this conversation. But what did they do? They stood still and watched God send a pillar of fire to halt the army and open the Red Sea for them to walk across. They waited and God showed up in one of the most dramatic encounters in the history of the world.

Lesson from this: I AM NOT ALONE IN THE BATTLE! WHOO-HOO! In fact, I'm not the one actually fighting the battle! If I let God fight the rulers, authorities and powers of the dark world and just be still, standing firm and resisting, the battle will be won! And it will be a victory that no one can deny came by the hand of God. I love it!

One more note: I've learned that Satan cannot read our minds! Only God can do that. Satan does NOT have that power! When Jesus cast out demons he didn't "think" them gone, he spoke to them. Out loud. For all to hear. Everyone thought He was a nut case UNTIL they saw the results. It's when we allow God's strength, God's plan, God's timing and God's truth to fight the battle that we can be still. We can be calm, cool and collected in the midst of the most devastating circumstances. Stand firm, stand your ground, resist, and be still as God fights for you.