I'm No Longer Chandler Bing

By Igore Konforti, Courtesy of freeimages.com

It took only one acting class to confirm what I already knew: I hide behind humor. What I didn’t realize was how much, and why.

The teacher said what I’m sure actors have been learning since the camera was invented, but it was a revelation to me: in front of the camera is a safe place, meaning actors must dig deep, be real, lay out their experiences and emotions in order to connect with the audience.

My immediate reaction was, “No it’s not. There is no safe place.” It was both a gouge and a light bulb to my heart. “Wow," I thought. "I’m Chandler from 'Friends.'”

I have believed humor to be the only safe place. I’ve spent my life bullied, belittled, anxious, and invisible except when I did something I shouldn’t (which is more often than not). The power in humor is that people can’t beat you up and laugh at the same time, so you’re safe, if only for that moment. Even if they are laughing at you, at least they are laughing.

I’ve been working on vulnerability in myself and my writing. It’s difficult on the best day. Chinks have been crumbling off the wall, but recently a huge hole was blasted out.

I read a post by Genevieve V.Georget and it resonated deeply with me. “I am and feel and fear so many of these same things,” I thought. “I must connect with this woman.” And I did.

It turns out I am not the only one. That one post has blown up so much that Facebook itself shut down her personal timeline.

Her words fresh in my heart, I was reading 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: But He said to me, “My Grace is sufficient for you, for My Power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses… For when I am weak, then I am strong.

That was the second light bulb.

By sharing her darkness, pain, and fear, Genevieve invited us into one of the most life-giving and powerful forces in the universe: “Me, too.”

Connection is the most basic need we all have, beyond even food, water, and shelter. We can have vast overabundance of those things, but without connection, the despair of loneliness will eventually triumph. If we lack food, water, or shelter, connection will eventually bring them, and much more.

By sharing her weakness, her story, Genevieve received the strength of connection, in an abundance she will be days or even weeks sorting through.

More than receiving, she also gave. 

Isn't it funny how that works? 

The Strength of Gratitude and More Yoda Quotes

Courtesy of Freeimages.com

I don't know if it's me or the mechanism of Facebook or life or what, but over the last several years I have gained and lost quite a few people from my life. Some have actually unfriended or even blocked me, but many are still around on the fringes. I'm sure there are a million reasons why they've backed off, not all of them my "fault," but it still hurts.

It doesn't help that I have a tendency to wallow, to mentally list off who they are and where they went and wonder why. 

Wallowing is replaying the losses, and "the fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side."  I know that it weakens me. Now that I'm getting comfortable walking into strength, I'm learning to gratitude my way out of wallowing.

When I find myself focusing on what was, I'm learning to turn it around to be grateful for what is. 

Many of these people I love, though stepped back, are still here. We are not sharing our lives as we used to, but they are still part of my story, and I am still part of theirs. That's what I have for right now, and right now is where my heart needs to be. 

Strength and Encouragement Courtesy of Yoda

Courtesy of freeimages.com

I struggle with people-pleasing and caring too much what people think (among the many other issues I deal with. I know, I’m in process.). 

One cause of this is that I'm petite. Everyone is bigger than me. They can outrun me AND beat me up. Staying on peoples' good side is necessary for my survival, but over the years it's gotten out of hand. 

Overcoming and moving on from these issues has become a major theme for me. When I'm afraid or heartbroken or weary I look for the strength to stand.

I’ve been looking for quite a while. I'm still looking.

I realize now that I've had it backward.

First I have to stand, then I have to trust that the strength will be there when I take a step. 

I need to fake it ‘til I make it. I need to think strong because “as a man thinks in his heart, so he is.”  (Prov 23:7 KJV)

I need to take a lesson from Yoda -- Do or Do Not. There Is No Try. 

God said something similar when Israel was on the brink of conquering the Promised Land (this was the second time. They were too stupid/fearful/weak to learn the first time. Yay for second chances). Eight times Joshua and/or Israel were told,  "Be strong and courageous." Sounds like they needed as much en-courage-ment as I do.

God didn't command them, "Try to be strong and courageous." He didn't tell them, "Think about being strong and courageous."  He said to BE strong and courageous. If He commanded it, it must be possible.

I’m not going to try strong. I’m going to Do. 

And when I fail, as I surely will, there will be a second chance to move forward. 

Music Therapy

It's been nearly two months since I've posted here.  I guess my "excuse" could be summed up with, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

It's been a bit of a rough patch for me since my last post.  Nothing major, just a lot of little things that have added up.  A necessary but bittersweet break from the film.  Friends and family facing personal struggles that I am helpless to do anything about other than pray.  My annual bout of Pre-Christmas Blues.  Major rifts in some cherished relationships.  Painful health issues that are taking their sweet time healing.

Yeah, I know.  I hear you.  You're sending some cheese to go with my whine.  (I prefer Colby-Jack or a nice Brie, just in case you're interested)  ;)

Truthfully, I'm not whining.  I'm not complaining.  EVERYONE has pain.  I get it.  I'm cool with it.

Throughout it all there has been an underlying Peace.  You know,  the One That Passes All Understanding.  I know that this too shall pass.  God is meeting me at each and every broken place. It's a beautiful thing.

I only share my obstacles because I can't share what is helping me deal without sharing them in the first place.

While I'm not a musician (yet), I have always enjoyed music.  Music reaches us in places we can't begin to fathom:

Its language is a language which the soul
alone understands,
but which the soul can never translate.
~ Arnold Bennett (1867 - 1931) ~


I'd like to share with you a list of songs that help heal me, encourage me, support me, inspire me, comfort me, strengthen me, and continue to minister to me through tough moments.  Here they are, in no particular order:


Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real  
** This song has been KEY for me.
"Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly"

That's What Faith Can Do by Kutless
"Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining"

Hold On by Toby Mac
"If you can hold on,
to the one that's holding you
there is nothing that can
stop this crazy love
from breaking through"

Get Back Up by Toby Mac
"We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you will shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever"

Before the Morning by Josh Wilson
"So hold on you gotta wait for the light
press on and just fight the good fight
'cause the pain that you've been feeling
is just the dark before the morning"

Sometimes He Calms the Storm by Scott Krippayne
"Sometimes he calms the storm
and other times he calms his child"

The Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says 'do not be afraid!'"

While I'm Waiting by John Waller
"I'm waiting, I'm waiting on you Lord
and I am hopeful, I'm waiting on you Lord
though it is painful, I'm waiting on you Lord"

Rise by David Wilcox
** Okay, if you've never heard of David Wilcox (American, not Canadian), YOU ARE MISSING OUT!
"I know that a heart can just get buried
Stone by stone, crushing hope until it dies
Far away, but the message somehow carries
Beloved, it is time for you to rise."

Blessed Be Your Name by Tree 63
"Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord still I will say"

Move Along by The All-American Rejects
"when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through"

Our God by Chris Tomlin
** OF COURSE I would have a Chris Tomlin song on here.  Don't you know me at all?  :)
"Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God"

Healing Hand of God by Jeremy Camp
"Taste and see the fullness of His peace,
And hold on to what's being held out.
The healing hand of God"

He Will Carry Me by Mark Schultz
"And even though I'm walkin' through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me"


What songs minister to you?

The What of the Lord is my What?

     They looked at me like I had lost my mind.  But then, they usually look at me like I've lost my mind. 

     I'd been wrestling around with it for a week or so.  I hadn't had any real time I could sit down and contemplate, so I asked my friends one night for their answers:  "Okay," I said. "' The joy of the Lord is my strength.'  Why?"  Pause.  Pause.  Deer-in-the-headlights.  I explained further.


     What I don't really get is the Joy part.  Why not The Hope of the Lord is my Strength?  Or The Love of the Lord?  Or The Peace?  Or The Strength?  Why The Joy?  
     And why is the Joy of the Lord Strength?  What is so strong about joy?


     AND, is that even IN the Bible, or is it just a nice phrase like "This too shall pass?"  

     While I found their answers to be very insightful, I still wasn't completely satisfied.  

     I found the verse way back in the eighth chapter of Nehemiah.  The Exiles had returned to Israel, rebuilt the wall around Jerusalem and settled into towns.  Everyone who could understand, men and women, came to listen to Ezra the priest read aloud the Law of Moses.  The people stood up for the entire 5-6 hours it took him to read.  Ezra praised the Lord, the people worshiped and the Levites explained what he was reading.  The people wept as they listened.  

     Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared.  This day is sacred to our Lord.  Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." (v10)  Then all the people went away to eat and drink, to send portions of food and to celebrate with great joy, because they now understood the words that had been made known to them. (v12)


     So the Israelites celebrated with joy because they now knew and understood who they were and what they needed to do to walk with God.  They were joyful in their newly found knowledge and their restored relationship.

     But is that The Joy of the Lord?


     God IS His Word.  As the people listened to the Word, understood the Word, and responded to the Word, they were responding to God Himself.  Turning their hearts to Him.  Finally, after 70 years in exile, they were broken and repentant.  Nothing brings God more joy than when we come back to him in repentance.  God was joyful that His relationship with His people had been restored.  He could again fulfill the promises He had made to the Patriarchs and make them into a great nation that would bless the world.  His will could finally be done.


     But what about the strength part?  After standing up from daybreak until noon, with their brains on overload and their hearts heavy, the Israelites were surely exhausted at the very least. Then they were told to go feast and quit crying.  Celebrate!  Grab a bite!  Sit down and relax!   As they did, you can imagine what that must have done for their bodies, minds and spirits.  
      So, for me anyway, I'm thinking that The Lord's Joy is me internalizing His word and repenting of my sin, thus restoring my relationship with Him.  It is my Strength because He, in His mercy and grace, calls me to the feast of restoration, in great anticipation of fulfilling His purposes for me and through me.  

     At least that's where I am with it all right now.  More insights could be forthcoming...

     Do YOU have any thoughts?  I'd love to hear them.