I'm No Longer Chandler Bing

By Igore Konforti, Courtesy of freeimages.com

It took only one acting class to confirm what I already knew: I hide behind humor. What I didn’t realize was how much, and why.

The teacher said what I’m sure actors have been learning since the camera was invented, but it was a revelation to me: in front of the camera is a safe place, meaning actors must dig deep, be real, lay out their experiences and emotions in order to connect with the audience.

My immediate reaction was, “No it’s not. There is no safe place.” It was both a gouge and a light bulb to my heart. “Wow," I thought. "I’m Chandler from 'Friends.'”

I have believed humor to be the only safe place. I’ve spent my life bullied, belittled, anxious, and invisible except when I did something I shouldn’t (which is more often than not). The power in humor is that people can’t beat you up and laugh at the same time, so you’re safe, if only for that moment. Even if they are laughing at you, at least they are laughing.

I’ve been working on vulnerability in myself and my writing. It’s difficult on the best day. Chinks have been crumbling off the wall, but recently a huge hole was blasted out.

I read a post by Genevieve V.Georget and it resonated deeply with me. “I am and feel and fear so many of these same things,” I thought. “I must connect with this woman.” And I did.

It turns out I am not the only one. That one post has blown up so much that Facebook itself shut down her personal timeline.

Her words fresh in my heart, I was reading 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: But He said to me, “My Grace is sufficient for you, for My Power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses… For when I am weak, then I am strong.

That was the second light bulb.

By sharing her darkness, pain, and fear, Genevieve invited us into one of the most life-giving and powerful forces in the universe: “Me, too.”

Connection is the most basic need we all have, beyond even food, water, and shelter. We can have vast overabundance of those things, but without connection, the despair of loneliness will eventually triumph. If we lack food, water, or shelter, connection will eventually bring them, and much more.

By sharing her weakness, her story, Genevieve received the strength of connection, in an abundance she will be days or even weeks sorting through.

More than receiving, she also gave. 

Isn't it funny how that works? 

The Strength of Gratitude and More Yoda Quotes

Courtesy of Freeimages.com

I don't know if it's me or the mechanism of Facebook or life or what, but over the last several years I have gained and lost quite a few people from my life. Some have actually unfriended or even blocked me, but many are still around on the fringes. I'm sure there are a million reasons why they've backed off, not all of them my "fault," but it still hurts.

It doesn't help that I have a tendency to wallow, to mentally list off who they are and where they went and wonder why. 

Wallowing is replaying the losses, and "the fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side."  I know that it weakens me. Now that I'm getting comfortable walking into strength, I'm learning to gratitude my way out of wallowing.

When I find myself focusing on what was, I'm learning to turn it around to be grateful for what is. 

Many of these people I love, though stepped back, are still here. We are not sharing our lives as we used to, but they are still part of my story, and I am still part of theirs. That's what I have for right now, and right now is where my heart needs to be. 

You Heard It Here First

It's not very often that I think something I say is pretty darned good, but I must admit I thought this was fairly clever.  Months ago I posted this as a status update on facebook and today I had the opportunity to repeat myself by commenting on someone else's status. 

Benjamin Franklin believed that, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."  My addendum to that is, "Coffee is proof that God loves us and wants us to be productive."

Eh, whadya think?

I know, I'm a goon.  

Ah, well, anyway, I like it.  At least I amuse myself.  :)

Goals Schmoals

So my friend Joline and I are now over 2 months into our workout accountability, and I think it's going well.  We both slacked off A BIT during the holidays, but now we're back on track.  Yeah for us!


The nice thing is that this accountability seems to be rubbing off into other areas of our lives.  As you may remember from last year, Joline blogs at TheCuppaJo.  Today she informed me of her writing goals.  I thought that was a great idea so I came up with some myself.  They are:


1. Post in my blog at least once a week.
2. Write for 15 minutes a day.  As Flylady says, you can do anything for 15 minutes.  I am also planning to work out for 15-20, declutter for 15, and read for 15.  So far in 2010 that has all happened together in a single day, but I am trying. 
3. Start a Writer's Group.  Praying and seeking guidance on that one, but I believe this is what I'm supposed to do.  Hopefully more on that later.
4. Write a kick a** inspiring script for Ladies' Day on April 17.  You'll have to come to Ladies' Day to see how I do.


There.  I said it.  Or rather wrote it.  In print.  For all the world to see.   

YIKES!!!!  WHAT HAVE I DONE???!!!  AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! (That's the sound of me running down the road, screaming and pulling my hair out)


Okay, so these are not earth-shattering goals.  I didn't say I wanted to write The Great American Novel or The Next Blockbuster Movie.  These just might be attainable goals FOR ME.  If I keep plugging away (and limit my Facebook time), by the Grace of God I might complete 2010 with something to show for it.


I'll keep you posted.


 
By the way, I've added a picture of "the office," where I plan to do at least part of the writing, which is really just a converted closet in the kitchen. 


I've also posted the bulletin board where I've listed these goals.  By the way, no slamming me on the messy desk.  I've not decluttered that far yet.