Just Another Sticky Day for Me

One day last month I had finally had enough.  Depression was threatening to take up permanent residence.  Having survived depressions before, this prospect did not excite me.  I needed to break out and make some changes, but I felt stuck.  Just.  Plain.  Stuck.  Kind of like the snowed in cars on Lake Shore Drive  this week.

If you recall from my last post  I was in a bit of a rough patch.  Right after that post (and I mean within hours of that post) things in my life took a major nosedive.  Don't worry, I won't bore you with details.  But, I got to the point that on this particular day I really needed some serious direction, encouragement and comfort, the kind that no amount of coffee or Reese's Miniature Peanut Butter Cups could provide.

So I FINALLY did what I SHOULD have done in the FIRST place.  I cried out to God.

"Lord, please, please help me today.  I need Your comfort and strength.  I need healing.  I know You love me, but I really could use a little something extra today."

Then I purposed to consciously clear my heart and mind and look for His love notes to me throughout the day.  I would ask, seek and knock and trust Him to give, reveal and open.  And, BONUS, I would write it all down so I could remember what He said.  :)

The first love note came in the form of a friend's facebook status, which I then copied stole for myself.  It said, "The optimist says the cup is half full.  The pessimist says the cup is half empty.  The child of God says my cup runneth over."   Ah!  Yes, Lord, yes.  Even in all that is going on right now, I am truly, truly blessed.  (Again, don't worry, I won't bore you with details.)  A little perspective there to start me off.

Later in the day I listened to The Daily Audio Bible with Brian Hardin.  The New Testament reading was from Matthew 12:1-21.  In this passage Jesus heals a man with a shriveled hand.  I just about fell over.  This was a passage God gave me back in November to let me know He was going to heal my hand (which turned out to be my neck/back/shoulder/arm).  It was loving confirmation that He IS still working.

THEN I heard verse 20: A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out, till He leads justice to victory.  Oh how I have been a bruised reed!  Oh how my passion and creativity have been nearly snuffed out lately!  How comforting that justice and victory are coming!  I copied that verse down and now it sits right in front of me at the computer.  I CLING to that verse.

Once Brian finishes reading the daily scripture verses he will usually make comments about what he read and then prays.  Included in his prayer were these words:  "We thank you for what you've done in our lives and what you have yet to do.  We look forward with longing to the day when your work is complete and we are completely restored, face to face with you as we were meant to be."  All of that really resonated with me, but my brain really hooked on the word restored.  That word factors into many areas of my life these days - physical, emotional, relational, spiritual.  It's a big theme for me this year.  Lord, You know how I long for the restoration that can only be found in You.  Thank You.

After Brian prays and gives any announcements he plays called in prayer requests from other listeners.  One of the requests that day was from a lady who had many long term medical problems.  She said, "[God] told me a few years ago that he would heal me and I believed him and just said let my healing glorify him, so whenever the timing was right, that is when it should be rather than me try to argue that it should be then....He [said he] was going to start healing me but really gently."  That exactly fits what I've been sensing about some healing that I've needed  in my own life.  He IS gently healing me.  Loving confirmation again! 

Later on facebook a friend posted as a status Isaiah 43:2, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."   This verse is special to me already because I consider the first part to be my kayaking verse.  But after reading it this time I saw something different.  I saw Him carrying me through rivers of tears and through the fire of pain.  YES! my heart said.  YES, Lord!  YOU ARE WITH ME!

Later I messaged a friend and mentor for some guidance on all my stuckness, letting her know what I was already doing and wondering if there were other bases I needed to cover.  She messaged back that I was doing the right things, that I was on the right track.  Her words brought me a great deal of comfort.

And, yes, again on facebook a friend posted her daily "Message from God."  Several of my friends get that app and God has used their "message" more than once to send a message to me.  This time was no exception.  "On this day, God wants you to know...that transformation is possible at any time.  A person can transform, a situation can transform.  Never lose hope.  Under the proper conditions of love, faith and belief transformation is quite possible."  Transformation at any time!  Never lose hope of the restoration of people and situations!  I must continue on in love and faith and let HIM work it out. 

And that brings me around to what I believe is my verse from God for 2011, from Zechariah 4:6, "This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel, 'Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit,' says the Lord of hosts."  You see, the name Zerubbabel is a bit special to me at the moment (if you see my film once it's finished you'll understand why).  It's also a BIG reminder to me that once I do my best I must let it go, trusting Him for the outcome, not just with the film but in all areas of my life.

Reminders to count my blessings.  Reminders of previous promises.  Gentle guidance.  Restoration is possible, and is coming.  A gradual but perfectly timed healing of pain and sorrow is on the way.  Comfort that I'm doing what I need to be doing.  I will hang in there and not lose hope. 

EXACTLY what I needed to hear.  And now, a few weeks later, I am pleased to report that I have been officially unstuck. 

ASK.  EXPECT an answer.  BE OPEN to receive it, in whatever form(s) it comes.  Probably most importantly, WRITE IT DOWN.  Let the evidence of God's past faithfulness be the snow plow that unsticks you the next time you're feeling snowed under.

Memorial Day Failures

Yesterday was Memorial Day.  A day set aside to remember those who fought and died for my freedom as an American.  Oh, and a federal holiday.  That is, unless you are a farmer.  National Day Off or not, if the fields are ready, you farm. 

It was also a day I fought a major battle for my own freedom.

Through the last year I've become more aware of the concept of spiritual warfare.  I hadn't really experienced it in full force until the last few weeks.  God has been leading me forward into new areas of creativity and ministry since February (see www.talkyourleggoff.com), and there has been some opposition along the way, but the serious attack began about 3 weeks ago.

I don't know if it's simply my writer's mind or what, but this battle had a theme: Failure.  Every area of my life was affected, from potty training Nathan to cooking to co-leading women's ministry to my relationship with Clinton to planting flowers.  EVERY TIME I tried to do ANYTHING it would go wrong, and I would hear in my mind, "FAIL!  FAIL!  FAIL!  I'm a screw-up.  I can't do it right.  It's all my fault.  I am a failure as a mom.  A failure as a wife.  A failure as a women's ministry leader.  I have been, am, and will always be a failure."  

I've dealt with my own negative thinking in the past, but this was...stronger.  Heavier.  More.  Wave after wave after wave knocked me down, ocean tides continued to roll in with no let up in sight.  Just as I'd stand up and get my bearings another would hit.  I have been close to tears every single moment of  the day for weeks.  I could sense it beginning to take a permanent toll.

  

The worst part was that I KNEW there was a spiritual component to all of this.  Deep down I KNEW this was the enemy and it was all lies.  But it FELT true.  I kept being presented with overwhelming evidence to support that I was a failure.  To add insult to injury, I felt too weak and powerless to even think of trying to fight.

I finally hit a crossroads yesterday morning while I was getting ready for the day.  I knew that if I continued on this path it would only get worse.  I've been down roads like this before.  I have no intention of going back.  Ever. 

Not by my might.  Not by my power.  But by His Spirit.

I'm usually a go-it-alone kind of gal.  God and I, we can handle it.  No need to bother anyone else.  It takes A LOT for me to ask for help, even just to ask for prayer for myself.  But I knew I needed the strength of others, the support of my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I finished getting ready and quickly messaged some of my most prayerful friends.  I committed myself and my schedule to serious time with God in the afternoon (Nathan's naptime) to draw strength and truth from His word and bind the enemy and cast him out.  Even with His strength and with others interceding for me, I wasn't sure what would happen.   In preparation I began listening to my iPod and various music and podcasts, including getting caught up on my One Year Daily Audio Bible podcast. 

Brian Hardin, who leads the Daily Audio Bible community and reads for the podcast, was on his way to Africa.  Until he could get set up there his wife, Jill Parr, was reading in his place.

 

The weight had started lifting, just a bit, after I made the decision to seek help earlier in the morning, but it was by no means gone.  The prayer at the end of this podcast confirmed to me that I was on the right track.  In fact, it was a major turning point.  

Here are Jill's exact words from her prayer at the end of the reading: 

I thank you, God, that your word is truth and I thank you that it is the truth that sets us free. But so many of us, instead of choosing to believe the truth, we believe the lie because the lie seems more believable than the truth. So God, I’m asking that every person that is listening now would know the truth, would choose the truth of how you see them, that we are not miserable failures, that we are not sinners, God, that we are saints saved by grace, forever striving to be more like you. I thank you, God, that your word breathes life into our weary bodies, our broken spirits, our crushed emotional beings. You come to heal the brokenhearted and to set the captive free. God, we’re wounded people. Each of us has a story, but we have been defined by that story for so long, God, that we forget that our identity comes through you and in you. God, please help us believe that we are everything that you say that we are. Help us to choose the truth, to believe the truth, and to walk in truth. In your name I pray, amen.  (emphasis mine)

I fully realize that I'm not the only one who needed to hear God speak those words yesterday, but I KNOW He intended that message for me, too.  I have been praying Psalm 43:3 a lot lately -- Send Your light and Your truth, let them lead me.   Jill's prayer spoke Light and Truth, calming the ocean tides into a glassy pond.  

I wanted to be sure I could always remember this and go back to it to see God's faithfulness.   I took up 12 pages in my prayer journal writing all of this and more.  (You are obviously reading an extremely edited version.)     

I am free.  Oh, I'm sure sometimes I'll feel like a miserable failure again.  Probably a lot of that will be my own negative thinking issues and not an all out enemy attack.  But now I have a defense, and I have my own plan of attack.  

This time, the enemy's power started to crack when I decided I had to do something, anything.  Asking for prayer dealt a serious blow.  The actual prayers added the strength and faith I needed to not give up.  Jill's prayer had the effect of an obliterating assault, and all I really had to do that afternoon was show up and walk into the light and truth of God's word. 

I am not a miserable failure.  I am God's Beloved. How fitting that my freedom came on Memorial Day. 

My prayer is that by sharing this you will be able to have your own Memorial Day.

What You've Been Missing

Yes, it has been a looonnnggg time since I've posted anything here. God has indeed been working in my life, but recently He's been addressing some very internal issues with me. Things I'm still processing. Things He is cleansing and things I'm still learning about. I may not even share these with you directly, but I hope and pray that you will see in me a deepening in closeness to Christ.
How's that for obscure?
Let me put it this way: I listen to the 1 Year Daily Audio Bible podcast every day. Brian Hardin, the founder and leader, sought the Lord for the community at the beginning of the year and the Lord gave him the phrase, "Complete and Release" as sort of the theme for the year. Um, wait, it might be "Release and Complete..." Ah, well, either way, it works.
In my mind I thought God was speaking of responsibilities. Complete that project/ministry/season of life and release it, embrace freedom from it and move into the new thing God has in store.
Not so for me.
For me it's more internal than external. It seems to mean getting the full picture on issues I've been dealing with for a while and getting rid of them.
The process hasn't been so much painful for me as eye-opening. "Oh, okay, now I get it. Yeah, that needs to go. How do I do that? Oh, I see. Let's do that, God. Thanks!" As a bonus, the freedom is coming, and I must say, it is fabulous.
Thankfully, the process continues.
A side benefit to all this spiritual cleansing is that it is making its way outward. Tomorrow we should finish purging Matthew's room and hopefully move on to the basement.
I don't think this is exactly what God had in mind when He started this whole process, but it seems to be making the trash man happy. :)

A Change in Walking Habits

I would like to share with you something that has changed my life, continues to change my life, and if he sticks with it, will also change the life of my oldest son, Matthew.
In early May of 2008 I had a brainstorm. I had been having trouble finding time to walk on the treadmill and read my bible. I decided that if I could do both at the same time, I could probably work these into my life. I had the treadmill already. All I needed was an ipod or some other mp3 player and a copy of the bible in that format.
A couple of days later I was on the phone with my mother. I told her my brilliant idea and she mentioned that her former employer had given her (and everyone else) an ipod that had not been out of the box in the year and a half she'd had it. She offered it to me and I jumped on the offer.
After a quick tutorial on this new (to me) technology, Clinton led me to iTunes to find a daily bible reading. He checked out a couple for me and then showed me the Daily Audio Bible by Brian Hardin. Brian had a nice voice and played serene background music interspersed with nature sounds. I thought this would do very nicely.
So in late May I began listening to the Daily Audio Bible while walking on the treadmill. The 20-30 minute podcasts work in very well with my workout schedule. On days that I don't walk I listen as I can that day. I could have gone back to the January podcasts and played catch up, but I know I would have become discouraged and eventually quit, so I just picked up where Brian was and continued on.
I must admit that the treadmill walking has been, especially lately, VERY hit and miss. I have, however, seen my christian walk transforming with the podcasts, and have completed 2008 on time. I'm proud of myself for that! Yeah, me! And now with the new year (and an extra 5 lbs), I plan to get back on the treadmill and listen to the entire bible this year.
Brian and his crew have also added the Daily Audio Proverb (once a month through the book of Proverbs), the Daily Audio Bible in Spanish and in Hindi, and most importantly to me, the Daily Audio Bible for Kids. Brian's daughter, China, reads from the New Testament, and they will complete the NT 4 times in a year. It takes about 15 minutes a day. Matthew just finished listening to his first podcast and really enjoyed it.
I get no money or any other "promotional considerations" for this blogpost. I simply wanted to share with you this wonderful thing that I've found and has made a huge difference in my life. I won't bore you with any more details than that for now, but I do pray that you will see the evidence of this in my life and in my blogposts.
Check it out for yourself at dailyaudiobible.com, or just search for One Year Daily Bible or Brian Hardin on iTunes.
Even if you do nothing at all with this information, be blessed in 2009!
And thanks for reading. :)