Music Therapy

It's been nearly two months since I've posted here.  I guess my "excuse" could be summed up with, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

It's been a bit of a rough patch for me since my last post.  Nothing major, just a lot of little things that have added up.  A necessary but bittersweet break from the film.  Friends and family facing personal struggles that I am helpless to do anything about other than pray.  My annual bout of Pre-Christmas Blues.  Major rifts in some cherished relationships.  Painful health issues that are taking their sweet time healing.

Yeah, I know.  I hear you.  You're sending some cheese to go with my whine.  (I prefer Colby-Jack or a nice Brie, just in case you're interested)  ;)

Truthfully, I'm not whining.  I'm not complaining.  EVERYONE has pain.  I get it.  I'm cool with it.

Throughout it all there has been an underlying Peace.  You know,  the One That Passes All Understanding.  I know that this too shall pass.  God is meeting me at each and every broken place. It's a beautiful thing.

I only share my obstacles because I can't share what is helping me deal without sharing them in the first place.

While I'm not a musician (yet), I have always enjoyed music.  Music reaches us in places we can't begin to fathom:

Its language is a language which the soul
alone understands,
but which the soul can never translate.
~ Arnold Bennett (1867 - 1931) ~


I'd like to share with you a list of songs that help heal me, encourage me, support me, inspire me, comfort me, strengthen me, and continue to minister to me through tough moments.  Here they are, in no particular order:


Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real  
** This song has been KEY for me.
"Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly"

That's What Faith Can Do by Kutless
"Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining"

Hold On by Toby Mac
"If you can hold on,
to the one that's holding you
there is nothing that can
stop this crazy love
from breaking through"

Get Back Up by Toby Mac
"We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you will shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever"

Before the Morning by Josh Wilson
"So hold on you gotta wait for the light
press on and just fight the good fight
'cause the pain that you've been feeling
is just the dark before the morning"

Sometimes He Calms the Storm by Scott Krippayne
"Sometimes he calms the storm
and other times he calms his child"

The Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says 'do not be afraid!'"

While I'm Waiting by John Waller
"I'm waiting, I'm waiting on you Lord
and I am hopeful, I'm waiting on you Lord
though it is painful, I'm waiting on you Lord"

Rise by David Wilcox
** Okay, if you've never heard of David Wilcox (American, not Canadian), YOU ARE MISSING OUT!
"I know that a heart can just get buried
Stone by stone, crushing hope until it dies
Far away, but the message somehow carries
Beloved, it is time for you to rise."

Blessed Be Your Name by Tree 63
"Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord still I will say"

Move Along by The All-American Rejects
"when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through"

Our God by Chris Tomlin
** OF COURSE I would have a Chris Tomlin song on here.  Don't you know me at all?  :)
"Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God"

Healing Hand of God by Jeremy Camp
"Taste and see the fullness of His peace,
And hold on to what's being held out.
The healing hand of God"

He Will Carry Me by Mark Schultz
"And even though I'm walkin' through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me"


What songs minister to you?

Jesse

My new friend, John, lost Norman, his beloved dog of many years, in 2005. 

Less than two months ago, John gathered his heart and his courage and headed to a dog rescue foster home.  He came back with Jesse, a blue tick coonhound, one of the neediest and most skittish dogs he'd ever seen. 

For a long while, Jesse would only come out from under John's bed to eat.  Outdoors was terrifying for him.  John had to physically pick him up and carry him outside.  Now slowly, gradually, he is finally making his way out  from under the bed, out of the crate, out of the bedroom and into the living room, and even making progress outdoors.  Jesse's slow development of trust is even extending to John's daughter, Maddy. 

Last night John posted on Facebook that Jesse's playful side is starting to emerge.  In fact, he's so playful that he ripped the blankets and pillows off John's bed and took them to his crate. The mental picture I have of that makes me smile.

I, for one, am amazed at the exuberant personality this extremely shy, abused dog is finally starting to display.  I'm dumbstruck by the miracle of what love, time and patience can do to bring healing to a wounded soul.

It gives me hope.

You see, I, too, am a rescue dog.  So are you, to one degree or another.

Every one of us has been abused, neglected, mistreated at some point, and we all have the scars on our hearts to prove it.

Sometimes the abuse came from people we trusted.  Sometimes the neglect was because of circumstances beyond our control.  Sometimes mistreatment is the result of our own bad decisions.  But we all bear scars.

Human beings need grace and mercy, love and attention, to feel safe and secure, so that healing can come.

All of us.  Every.  Last.  One.

If we can extend grace and mercy, love and attention to our fellow humans, in whatever amounts we can, we help perform miracles as well.  We begin to draw those around us out from under the bed.

Sometimes it takes very little effort.  Perhaps only a smile, a look in the eye and a "thank you" to the cashier having a bad day will make all the difference.  Sometimes it's more of an investment. 


It is ALWAYS worth it.  Human beings are always worth it.

Yes, it costs us something to love people.  Yes it's hard.  Yes, sometimes it hurts more than we can bear.  But if we hang on a little longer, if we continue to love and care and ask, if we continue to walk with each other in grace, mercy and forgiveness, miracles will happen.

Healing goes both ways.  Go ask John and Jesse.   

Then, take it a step further.

Go ask Maddy.

Besides the miraculous healing of this sweet dog, I love to think of the effect caring for Jesse will have on Maddy.  What she is learning about perseverance, bravery, compassion and healing are lessons she will carry with her the rest of her life.

Who knows how many dogs, or humans, will be rescued by that miracle?

Just Call Me Israel

I'm taking a 2x4 to the heart today.

I deserve it. 

Actually I deserve much, much worse.

God has been hinting and telling and showing me some things for quite a while now.  I have assured Him every time that I do have it all under control.

Except that I really don't.

This is no surprise to Him.

Honestly, it's no surprise to me, either.

Denial is powerful but you have to face the truth sometime.

But oh, oh how it hurts.

___________________________________________________

I just switched over to Facebook for a minute.  A friend just this second put Jeremiah 29:11 as their status:  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Thanks, God.  I'm so glad to know You won't be mad at me forever.  Thanks for still loving me. 

Getting My Guard Up, part 2

For the record, I am not a perfectionist.  I am not a control freak.  If I wasn't a Christian I probably would be both of those, but because of the Grace of God I am not.  

I do, however, like to do my very best when it counts.  For instance, keeping my house sparkling and spotless is not someplace it counts, although I do make sure my house is functional and clean-enough-to-not-encourage-the-spread-of-disease.  When writing for myself (i.e. this blog) I don't edit as judiciously as I do projects that involve other people.  I'm going with the stream of consciousness thing here. (And you wondered why I don't always make much sense.  Welcome to the chaos that is Mommy Brain.)

It's been two weeks since I posted about guarding my heart.  I am failing.  Sometimes I'm failing miserably and sometimes I do fairly well, but for all the newly-acquired insight I have obtained on the subject, the actual implementation is elusive. 

The Debbie Translation:  I need "a little less talk, a lot more action."  

To guard my heart I have to start with guarding my mind. 

WAY.  EASIER.  SAID.  THAN.  DONE.

Being as my brain is always going 976 mph, it's not easy to keep up.  I let my mind wander for a split second, my imagination ignites and I'm right back to where I started.  My current favorite facebook status, "Don't believe everything you think. It's bound to create problems that don't even exist," helps a lot, but it's still doesn't cover all the bases.

I'm totally understanding Paul here when he talks in Romans 7 about the interior war, the spiritual parts within us versus the earthly and sinful parts.  If Paul struggled with that, I'm going to as well, until death do I depart. 

I don't want to keep fighting the same battle day after day after day.  (No wonder cooking and cleaning are not among my favorite things.)  I want to have my heart well-protected yesterday. Then I can move on to other things.

*sigh*  It ain't happenin'.

Sometimes I am the Warrior Princess, slaying the dragons to protect myself and my family.  Other times I am the little girl hiding in the corner, discouraged and defeated.

All the time I am too hard on myself.  Doing my best does not mean I will always get it right (although obviously somewhere deep inside I think it should).  

I remind myself, here and now, that transformation takes time.  It's not a quick fix or instantaneous change. I can't undo forty years of wounds and negative patterns in two weeks.  And, although God can do that in me, He's choosing to heal and transform me a little bit at a time.

He continues to extend Grace and Mercy to me.  I need to extend some to myself. 

Getting My Guard Up

I have started and deleted this post MANY times over the last few weeks.  

Even now it is very difficult to sit and write because I'm not quite "there" yet.  I haven't mastered this lesson.  The worst part is, in this lifetime, I never will.  But that said, here goes nothing.  For about the eleventh time.  I hope it makes any kind of sense.

God has really been working on cleaning out and healing my heart and mind since about February.  As much as I'm enjoying my newly-found freedoms, He started with the easier areas first (see previous posts from the past 6 months).  

That means that we have gone from dusting tables to now dragging out the yucky, moldy, stinky, useless, disgusting junk in the basement.  (DISCLAIMER:  Just so we're clear, this is a picture of my heart, not the lowest level of my house.  Hmmmm...maybe this is why I've gone off Flylady and decluttering my house?  I guess I can only handle one cleaning binge at a time.) 

This is NOT my idea of fun.  Some of my scars have been with me so long I've considered having them apply for their own social security numbers.   

But that's the problem.  Jesus came to restore my heart, to heal it.  He doesn't want me (or you) to suffer any longer.  He especially doesn't want to leave anything the Enemy can use to his advantage.  He wants me (and you) healed, healthy and holy.  Deep down I want that, too.  But the process hurts, and it's hard.  It's not a magic-potion-once-and-for-all cure.  My only hope of that is Eternity.  But to grow closer to Him, to become every day more and more His Beloved, it has to be done.  *big sigh*

Right now, at this point in the battle, this is what it's about:

Proverbs 4:23  Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

These are the words I keep hearing over and over and keep repeating to myself every time junk comes up.  DEBBIE -- GUARD.  YOUR.  HEART.

Not shut my heart down.  Not close it off.  Not erect a high, impenetrable fortress.  While my heart needs to be well protected there must also be access, places for love and truth to move in and out.  My strong wall definitely needs a gate or two.   

I've always been open-hearted.  When I love I really, really love.  My heart really can contain a wellspring of life.

But it must bubble up pure water.  I have to stop letting pollutants in.  I need to be careful and watch what I allow into my heart.  Not just from the outside world, but from my own mind as well.

How do I do this?  I'm still working a lot of that out.  But here are my best weapons so far: 

2 Corinthians 10:5, We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Psalm 101:2b-3, I will walk in my house with a blameless heart.  I will set before my (*mind's) eyes no vile thing.  (*addition in parentheses mine)

John 8:31b-32, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."   (all emphasis mine)

When my mind starts to wander (which it does when I'm sad, anxious, lonely, frustrated, weak etc.  Basically throughout most of my day) I've got to take my thoughts captive and speak God's truth into them.  I have to choose, moment by moment,  to believe the truth and not the lie.  Even if I don't have all of the information about a situation, I have to remind myself of what I do know to be true and then wait for more information from God, scripture, circumstances or other people. 

The HUGE BONUS (and the best part) is, by guarding my heart, I am also guarding my husband's heart.  And my sons' hearts.  And my family's hearts.  And my friends'.  And those I minister with.  And those I minister to.   If I use God's truth to build the wall of protection around my heart then all those that I love and cherish will be protected, too.

Even though I will always struggle in this area,  I know that the weapons I familiarize myself with now will serve me well in the future. 

That sounds very freeing to me.

You Heard It Here First

It's not very often that I think something I say is pretty darned good, but I must admit I thought this was fairly clever.  Months ago I posted this as a status update on facebook and today I had the opportunity to repeat myself by commenting on someone else's status. 

Benjamin Franklin believed that, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."  My addendum to that is, "Coffee is proof that God loves us and wants us to be productive."

Eh, whadya think?

I know, I'm a goon.  

Ah, well, anyway, I like it.  At least I amuse myself.  :)

"Thank You, Captain Obvious!"

I know you are much smarter than I am and probably had this figured out already, but bear with me.

If I got to choose five books that should be required reading for all Christians, "Restored" by Neil T Anderson would be on the list.  I've been through it before, years ago, but it never ceases to amaze me how something you've heard previously and know well suddenly hits you in a fresh way.  The Bible is famous for doing that.  Chapter One provided a light bulb moment for me.

Neil states that one of the primary reasons Jesus came to us as a man was "to give us an example to follow in His steps. Jesus showed us how a spiritually alive person could live a righteous life.  He did so by demonstrating a life totally dependent upon His Heavenly Father.  All temptation is an attempt to get us to live our lives independently of God.  Jesus was tempted in all ways but unlike Adam He never sinned."


Suddenly what I had always known in my head took on a very real, very deep meaning in my heart.


I guess I've always thought about Jesus, both fully God and fully human, as being sort of above all the temptation stuff, as if He possessed some supernatural resistance that we don't have.  I mean, after all, He is God.  On some level I thought when Satan tempted Jesus in the wilderness that that was it, once and for all.  Battle over.  The Big Stuff was dealt with and Real Ministry could begin.


Somehow it never really occurred to me that Jesus was truly tempted by little, garden variety sins that trip me up so badly, and tempted by them everyday.  I guess I thought He simply brushed off any thoughts of lying, cheating, pride, resentment, lust, complaining, greed, gluttony, laziness, etc.  


I've finally realized that it's not that Jesus couldn't sin, it's that He didn't.


Two by four me upside the head and call me George.


I mean, really, DUH!  I've been a Christian for over 24 years and I'm only just now getting that?


It wasn't only in the wilderness with Satan that He was truly tempted.  It was every day.  All day.  

Just like me.  

Wow.  

How did I not get this before?

Romans 14:23 says, "whatever is not from faith is sin."  Everything Jesus did was by faith.   Everything. 


It makes me look at every situation He encountered with new eyes.  His humanity has taken on a whole new dimension.   I want to go back through the Gospels and look closely at how Jesus handled every situation He went through.  

I can't wait to see what the next 7 chapters have in store for me.  

It's My Blog And I'll Brag If I Want To

I've had this post in mind for over a week now but just haven't had a good chance to sit down and type it.

Of course, I'm starting this about 5 minutes before I need to make lunch.  Guess that means I'm getting better about squeezing things in as I can.  It may take me 15 trips to the computer, but I vow to get this written today!

We took the boys to see Toy Story 3 a few weeks ago.  (And yes, I cried.)  It was Nathan's first time in a movie theatre and he did very well.  He sat on Clinton's lap the whole time, snuggling with his blankie and his thumb in his mouth.  He was unbelievably quiet and well-behaved for an almost-three-year-old. We had no idea what to expect out of him, so we were very pleasantly surprised.  And some people say miracles don't happen -- HA! 

After the movie we went to Applebee's to eat.  We really weren't very hungry but couldn't decide on any place else to go.  We finished eating and were on our way to the car.  In the parking space right in front of the restaurant door there sat an older model car with two older ladies in the front seat.  I'm guessing the car was about a mid '80s Dodge Aries type, very faded grey paint with some spots worse than others.

 As we came out of the door they had tried to start the car but the engine wouldn't turn over.  They tried it again.  Still nothing.  Clinton and I were still walking towards the car, but  also looking at each other, wondering silently if he needed to give them a hand.  Then they tried a third time and it started right up.

As we got to the car Matthew looked at me and said, "Well, that worked."  I stood there and stared at him for a moment and then asked him, "Matthew, did you pray for those ladies, for their car to start?"  He said that he had. 

Yes, I am the proud momma of a thoughtful, compassionate son. 

And now for Brag #2.

A few Sundays ago I was picking Nathan up from the church nursery after worship services were over.  There is a big, open window between the hallway and the main nursery room.  You hand your child and their paraphernalia  through the open window rather than open the door and possibly let another child out into the hallway. While I was waiting in line to claim Nathan I was talking to our friends Chris and Holley.  Holley is the daughter of some of our best friends and they had just picked up their baby son, Kael, from the nursery.  

As Nathan approached the window he suddenly pointed out the window and shouted, "That's my Jesus!"  Chris, Holley and I looked at each other, wondering what he was talking about.  Did he mean Chris, or baby Kael, or someone else, or what on earth was going through his little head?  By the time I got Nathan out Chris and Holley were gone.  

We walked down to the foyer to meet Clinton and Matthew.  There I spotted Chris and Holley.  I asked Nathan if he saw his Jesus anywhere.  He looked around, pointed at Chris and said again, "That's my Jesus!"  

Okay, so he did mean Chris.  I can understand his mistake.  Chris is a nice-looking young man, very friendly, tall and slim with curly brown hair and nicely-trimmed facial hair.  

I had no idea Nathan "knew" what Jesus looked like.  We've read some books about Jesus and such, but I had never really thought about them as profile pictures of the Messiah.

It was a full week later before I realized the true significance of what transpired.  Nathan had said  MY Jesus.  Not, "There's Jesus!" or "There's Mommy's Jesus!"  MY Jesus.

It's very encouraging to know that SOMETHING is getting into their heads, and their hearts.

PS - It only took me 3 trips to the computer today to get this written.  :)

It's a Woman's Perogative to Change Her Mind

For years now, I've pictured it.  

Heaven.  The Pearly Gates.  Jesus welcoming me in and saying, "Well Done, Good and Faithful Servant."

I've thought for decades that those are the words I want to hear when I get there.  He'll smile, speak those words and I will mutter under my breath "Yes!  I've loved and served my Lord with my whole heart, mind, soul and strength and now I get to spend ETERNITY with HIM!  Whoo-hoo!"

But recently I've started to change my mind.

Not about where I spend eternity or with whom, but what I want Him to say to me when I get there.

I mean, yes, I still want to hear the Good and Faithful Servant part, but now I want more.

Call me selfish.  

In a previous post I briefly touched on the  progression of relationship with Jesus, per John & Stasi Eldredge in their book "Captivating."

You might recall that the Scriptures use a number of metaphors to describe our relationship with God.  We are portrayed as clay, and he is the potter.  We are sheep, and he the shepherd.  Each metaphor is beautiful and speaks to the various seasons of our spiritual lives and to the various aspects of God's heart toward us.  But have you notice they ascend in a stunning way?  From potter and his clay to a shepherd and his sheep, there is a marked difference in intimacy, in the way they relate.  It gets even better.  From master and servant to father and child, there is a wonderful progression into greater intimacy.  It grows more beautiful and rich when he calls us his friends.  But what is most breathtaking is when God says he is our Lover (our Bridegroom, our Fiance'), and we his bride.  That is the pinnacle, the goal of our redemption (used in the last chapter of the Bible, when Christ returns for his bride) and the most intimate and romantic of all.    p. 114

So that's the thing.  I don't want to be "just" a servant.   While I am honored at the privilege, I don't want to stop there.  I don't even want to settle for being His friend, although that is totally crazy to think about in itself. (Me?  His FRIEND?  Are you kidding?  Mind-boggling!) 

This is what I long to hear Him say to me,

My lover spoke and said to me,

     "Get up, my darling;

     let's go away, my beautiful one.

Look, the winter is past;

     the rains are over and gone.

Blossoms appear through all the land.

     The time has come to sing;

     the cooing of doves is heard in our land.

There are young figs on the fig trees,

     and the blossoms on the vines smell sweet.

Get up, my darling;

     let's go away, my beautiful one."

                             Song of Solomon 2:10-13 NCV

I don't deserve it.  I don't understand it.  But somehow, by His love and grace, I am His Beloved.

You can be, too.

What would you like Him to say to you?

Father Knows Best

Currently I am juggling two big (for me) writing projects.  First of all I am working on my first film for Talk Your Legg Off Productions. (http://talkyourleggoff.com)  Secondly I am co-writing our church's Christmas program.  I've been plugging away at them for some time now, but recently I had another idea for Talk Your Legg Off.  It's a speech I've had in my head for a few years now but haven't had the occasion (okay, the deadline) to sit down and put it all together.

I've wondered for a few weeks about slipping this speech in as my first official TYLO project.  It would be easier on all counts -- to write, to film, to edit, to post.  It's a speech, right?  How hard could that be to film and edit?  The more I thought about it, the more I liked it.  That would be an excellent way to get my feet wet and get myself  "out there" in preparation for the bigger idea.  This all made a lot of sense to me.

However, it's been my experience that whatever path makes the most common sense is usually the least likely to be the path God wants.     

Earlier in the week I had agreed to come up with a name for the main character for the Christmas program.  While going through my book one name struck me more than any other -- Amos.  I knew I was supposed to use the name Amos, although as a first or last name I didn't know. I finally settled on Amos Duke.  Amos means "burden" and Duke means "leader."  A burdened leader is exactly who this character is, and so I intended to see what Jeff and Tom thought about it, although I hadn't quite made it that far yet.  

Saturday afternoon I got pretty discouraged about the film when I realized my software wasn't going to do all I needed it to do.  This means I've got to research other software, be sure my computer will handle it, make sure it's compatible with my camera, make sure it does all the things I may ever need it to do, etc and so on. 

This is less than an exciting prospect.  Did I ever mention to you that I am completely a techno-idiot?   I don't KNOW what I need, and I don't know enough to know what I need to know but don't know.  UGH!  I'd rather go to the dentist than try to figure all this out.  Too much for my little brain to handle.  Total overwhelm.  Hyperventilation hadn't started yet but I could feel the panic rising.

Deep down I suspected that my desire to stick this speech into my schedule was my own way of (not) dealing with my technology issues.  "This will be easy to do, and when I accomplish this I'll feel better about myself and then I'll be able to tackle the film."  Makes sense, right?   Right!  Someone explain that to God for me, please.

Saturday night I asked the Lord to provide me with some guidance.  "Lord, if you want me to do the speech first, give me some fresh insights for it."  Then I went to bed, expecting to hear something from the Lord, probably at church the next morning.  

Oftentimes I get ideas during our minister's sermons.  Something he says triggers a thought, which triggers something else.  This sermon was no exception, just not in the way I planned.

Craig started relating a story about when he was in bible college and was visiting a family for supper.  When the meal was over the father got his bible and started to thumb through it.  "I didn't know what was going on there," Craig said.  "Gonna read something from the book of Amos tonight, I don't know."

Wait.  What did he just say?  Of all the things he could have said, he mentioned the name Amos.  In a sermon.  When is the last time you heard the name Amos in a sermon that wasn't based on the book of Amos?  When is the last time you heard a sermon from the book of Amos?  Coincidence?  Nope.  I've been around enough to know that was a God-incidence.  God was confirming to me to hang in there with the Christmas program. Oh, and that I was on the right track with the name.

It wasn't until after church was over that I got confirmation on the TYLO film.  That confirmation was even cooler that the first one, but...I can't tell you about it right now.  If I do, it will give away too much about the the film and it will ruin it for you. 

Believe me, I am DYING to tell you because it is SO COMPLETELY COOL, but rest assured, after the film comes out (whenever that may be) I will share the story.  Hang tight.

The important thing, though, is that I didn't get ANYTHING for the speech.  God was confirming what I secretly suspected all along but wasn't thrilled to hear -- stay with the two big projects I have going and quit messing around with the little stuff.  Maybe later He'll let me film the speech, but for now, let's stick with what we have going already.

And I am completely cool with that.  It took a sermon, and other God-incidences, on Father's Day to remind me that He does, in fact, know best.

PS -- I'm looking into purchasing software similar to what our worship minister uses.  If it's what I need, I'll have my very own live Help Desk.  That is DEFINITELY a good thing.

Hello, My Name Is...

When I became a Christian years ago I learned about the Holy Spirit.  

When you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart God raised Him from the dead you will be saved (Romans 10:9).  Repent and be baptized... for the forgiveness of your sins and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:38).

When I pictured, in my mind, living a life guided by the Holy Spirit, I saw myself walking in step with Him in all ways and at all times.  I would be so in tuned with Him that I wouldn't even need to think about what I was doing, He would just flow in me and through me, guiding my every action.

It wasn't until (many) years later that I realized that what I was picturing in my head wasn't really the Holy Spirit.


It was The Force.


Yes, okay, I'm a product of my generation.  Star Wars is part of my cultural makeup. 


The idea of the Spirit flowing through me in this way is not necessarily an inaccurate picture, but it is incomplete.  For instance, it's hard to have a relationship with a Force.  


"Good morning, Force!  I love you!"
"Whang...whang...whang..."


Not really working for me.


Fortunately, the Spirit is not a force.  He is a person.  The third member of the trinity.  Our counselor, comforter, strength and guide.  The Still, Small Voice that leads us.


If Jesus is The Word and the Spirit is The Voice...I should be able to hear Him talk, right?


I am learning to do just that.  I mean, I do hear from Him, usually an impression or a check in my spirit or through scripture or so many other ways.  But to hear His voice, actual words...it is a process.  I'll never get it 100% correct, but as I continue to grow in relationship with Him it will become easier to hear His voice. 


All of this I've known for a while and have been trying to put into practice.  This week, however, I realized how deeply ingrained the concept of The Spirit As The Force is in me.


I've started to realize I need...well...a bit of a prayer upgrade.  

Yes, I pray as I go throughout the day.  I pray for myself, Clinton, Matthew and Nathan, friends and family, different needs as I encounter them through the day, seeking guidance and wisdom and insight...but am I really praying, as I should be?  As I could be?


I think sometimes I sort of half-pray.  I THINK the prayers, but I'm not sure how much actual focus, purpose, intention I put into them. And certainly most of the time I don't ask what to pray and wait to hear the answer like I should.  (Who, me?  Not listen?  Too busy talking?  Distracted and discombobulated?  Ah, my friends, you know me well.) 

I guess on some level I rely too much on Romans 8:26b, We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  Maybe I subconsciously assume He will simply fill in ALL the blanks.


I think it's like living with someone.   You can inhabit the same house but that doesn't mean you have a close relationship, or even any relationship.   You've got to talk to each other, communicate, spend time together.  

Clinton can walk through the house and I can tell what kind of mood he's in by the weight of his footsteps.  I can hear the pouting tone of Matthew's voice even before I nag him to practice his piano lesson.  I know if I raise my eyebrow just right that Nathan will go into a giggle fit.  

I know these things because I spend time with them.  I watch them and try to learn about them.  We are familiar with each other.   But there is always more to learn, more to discover, more nuances and details to be revealed.

Don't get me wrong.  I do meet with Him, usually several times a day.  It's amazing what insights can come when you're folding laundry.   I'm learning and growing all the time.  I'm becoming more and more familiar .  God and I are good, but can always get better.  I just need to be a little more focused, a little more purposeful.

So if you say something to me and I don't answer right away, hang on, I'll be with you in a minute.  I'm talking with God.

Memorial Day Failures

Yesterday was Memorial Day.  A day set aside to remember those who fought and died for my freedom as an American.  Oh, and a federal holiday.  That is, unless you are a farmer.  National Day Off or not, if the fields are ready, you farm. 

It was also a day I fought a major battle for my own freedom.

Through the last year I've become more aware of the concept of spiritual warfare.  I hadn't really experienced it in full force until the last few weeks.  God has been leading me forward into new areas of creativity and ministry since February (see www.talkyourleggoff.com), and there has been some opposition along the way, but the serious attack began about 3 weeks ago.

I don't know if it's simply my writer's mind or what, but this battle had a theme: Failure.  Every area of my life was affected, from potty training Nathan to cooking to co-leading women's ministry to my relationship with Clinton to planting flowers.  EVERY TIME I tried to do ANYTHING it would go wrong, and I would hear in my mind, "FAIL!  FAIL!  FAIL!  I'm a screw-up.  I can't do it right.  It's all my fault.  I am a failure as a mom.  A failure as a wife.  A failure as a women's ministry leader.  I have been, am, and will always be a failure."  

I've dealt with my own negative thinking in the past, but this was...stronger.  Heavier.  More.  Wave after wave after wave knocked me down, ocean tides continued to roll in with no let up in sight.  Just as I'd stand up and get my bearings another would hit.  I have been close to tears every single moment of  the day for weeks.  I could sense it beginning to take a permanent toll.

  

The worst part was that I KNEW there was a spiritual component to all of this.  Deep down I KNEW this was the enemy and it was all lies.  But it FELT true.  I kept being presented with overwhelming evidence to support that I was a failure.  To add insult to injury, I felt too weak and powerless to even think of trying to fight.

I finally hit a crossroads yesterday morning while I was getting ready for the day.  I knew that if I continued on this path it would only get worse.  I've been down roads like this before.  I have no intention of going back.  Ever. 

Not by my might.  Not by my power.  But by His Spirit.

I'm usually a go-it-alone kind of gal.  God and I, we can handle it.  No need to bother anyone else.  It takes A LOT for me to ask for help, even just to ask for prayer for myself.  But I knew I needed the strength of others, the support of my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I finished getting ready and quickly messaged some of my most prayerful friends.  I committed myself and my schedule to serious time with God in the afternoon (Nathan's naptime) to draw strength and truth from His word and bind the enemy and cast him out.  Even with His strength and with others interceding for me, I wasn't sure what would happen.   In preparation I began listening to my iPod and various music and podcasts, including getting caught up on my One Year Daily Audio Bible podcast. 

Brian Hardin, who leads the Daily Audio Bible community and reads for the podcast, was on his way to Africa.  Until he could get set up there his wife, Jill Parr, was reading in his place.

 

The weight had started lifting, just a bit, after I made the decision to seek help earlier in the morning, but it was by no means gone.  The prayer at the end of this podcast confirmed to me that I was on the right track.  In fact, it was a major turning point.  

Here are Jill's exact words from her prayer at the end of the reading: 

I thank you, God, that your word is truth and I thank you that it is the truth that sets us free. But so many of us, instead of choosing to believe the truth, we believe the lie because the lie seems more believable than the truth. So God, I’m asking that every person that is listening now would know the truth, would choose the truth of how you see them, that we are not miserable failures, that we are not sinners, God, that we are saints saved by grace, forever striving to be more like you. I thank you, God, that your word breathes life into our weary bodies, our broken spirits, our crushed emotional beings. You come to heal the brokenhearted and to set the captive free. God, we’re wounded people. Each of us has a story, but we have been defined by that story for so long, God, that we forget that our identity comes through you and in you. God, please help us believe that we are everything that you say that we are. Help us to choose the truth, to believe the truth, and to walk in truth. In your name I pray, amen.  (emphasis mine)

I fully realize that I'm not the only one who needed to hear God speak those words yesterday, but I KNOW He intended that message for me, too.  I have been praying Psalm 43:3 a lot lately -- Send Your light and Your truth, let them lead me.   Jill's prayer spoke Light and Truth, calming the ocean tides into a glassy pond.  

I wanted to be sure I could always remember this and go back to it to see God's faithfulness.   I took up 12 pages in my prayer journal writing all of this and more.  (You are obviously reading an extremely edited version.)     

I am free.  Oh, I'm sure sometimes I'll feel like a miserable failure again.  Probably a lot of that will be my own negative thinking issues and not an all out enemy attack.  But now I have a defense, and I have my own plan of attack.  

This time, the enemy's power started to crack when I decided I had to do something, anything.  Asking for prayer dealt a serious blow.  The actual prayers added the strength and faith I needed to not give up.  Jill's prayer had the effect of an obliterating assault, and all I really had to do that afternoon was show up and walk into the light and truth of God's word. 

I am not a miserable failure.  I am God's Beloved. How fitting that my freedom came on Memorial Day. 

My prayer is that by sharing this you will be able to have your own Memorial Day.

Lions and Kings and Movie Quotes, Oh My!

"The gweat kings of da past up dere, watch ovuh us."

If you mention The Lion King around Nathan, that is usually his reply.  Dramatic wave of the arm, eyes lifted up, the whole nine yards.  Yes, my nearly-3-year-old may have been watching a little too much TV lately. 

I don't know if this is the reason that I have lions on the brain or not...

In fact, lions are a refreshing change from the huge focal points of my recent thought life: the geneaology of Jesus and Prairie Home Companion.  Yeah, I know.  "Work" related stuff.   More on those another time...

In spite of all the dissimilar subject matter rattling my tiny brain I managed to make a connection about Jesus and Satan through the lions. (Get it?  Yeah, I know, that was terrible.)

One of the descriptions of Jesus is as the Lion of Judah.  When I hear this I always picture a stately, strong lion, protective yet kind, able to attack when necessary yet would prefer not to.  Okay, maybe I'm at least slightly influenced by Aslan from The Chronicles of Narnia, but I don't believe that is unintentional.  CS Lewis wrote the character with that in mind.

The comparison to the Enemy comes from 1 Peter 5:8, Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  For some reason I picked up on the word LIKE in this passage.  

Satan is not a lion.  He pretends to be one.  He is a poser.  A fake.  He thinks he's all that and is trying to get us to buy into his lie.  But the "lion who lies down with the lamb" he most decidedly is not.

And, yes,  it is true that the Enemy is intent on doing everything he can to draw us away from Jesus, and he does want to devour our hearts.  But, in the end, the poser lion is no match for The Lion of Judah, just as Scar is no match for the grown Simba.

Good news for me that The Great King of the Past, Present and Future is not only watching over us from up there, but from inside as well.   

I guess the song, "He Lives In You" from Lion King 2 is truer than they know.

Since I KNOW the suspense is KILLING you... ;)

I do a lot of juggling.  

Not plates or balls or chainsaws, but responsibilities and projects and even the occasional "fun" thing.  

Currently my Commas are as follows:  beloved of Jesus, farmer and business owner's wife, mother of 2 active boys,  Sidetracked Home Executive, co-leader of women's ministry, member of the planning team for ladies' day, member of a local philanthropic organization, writer, blogger, occasional speaker, bible study leader, co-writer of First Christian's Christmas program, and online shopper extraordinaire (which you are out of necessity if you live where I do) .  I even manage to fit in working out many days, although clearly not as many days as I need to.

This is not a "woe is me I'm so busy blah blah blah" post.  I am NOT complaining in the least, nor am I trying to compare my busyness with anyone else's.  I am, however, reevaluating all of my responsibilities and praying about which to give up. 

The reason for this reeval is quite simply that the Lord is presenting me with an offer I can't refuse.  Twenty plus years of theatrical appreciation (I won't go so far as to call what I have "training" or "skill"), of writing and directing and gleaning knowledge have led me to this place.

I am adding film maker to my list of commas.  Talk Your Legg Off Productions is now as up and running as it's going to be.  Of course, all that tangibly means is that I have a website (talkyourleggoff.com), YouTube and Vimeo accounts, a new camera and software, and a whole lot of learning in front of me. 

As far as the intangibles, I have twenty plus years of experiences in writing, directing and producing in my tiny corner of the world, and I have a calling.  Truly an example of  "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called."

As I relate at talkyourleggoff.com, a couple of months ago I asked God if I was doing all He wanted with my calling as a speaker.  The word "YouTube" flashed in my mind.  Through what I can only describe as Holy Spirit insight, I knew I was supposed to produce skits and speeches and post them online. In short order He gave me the name Talk Your Legg Off and the solid idea for my first film, which for me helped to confirm the calling.

Only problem is, I have no idea how I'll fit this in to my life.  This will be a MAJOR time commitment.  Some things will likely have to go, but every time I ask I don't get any answers.  So, I'm taking a Wait and See approach.  He will reveal the excess as He sees fit.  

I do believe I'm to keep this blog, and keep it in pretty much the same format, so that's one question answered, many to go.  I know, right now you are breathing a sigh of relief.  Ha-ha-ha.  :)

Keep breathing, and keep checking back.  You may even want to head over to talkyourleggoff.com and see what there is to see.   And if not, that's cool, too.

For now, I'm praying Psalm 43:3&4, which He gave me shortly after I got my marching orders:  "Send Your light and Your truth; let them lead me.  Let them bring me to Your holy mountain, to Your dwelling place.  Then I will come to the altar of God, to God, my greatest joy."   

It's in my love affair with God, in doing the things I am made to do, in following The Light and The Truth, that will lead me to my greatest joy.

 

High Points and Low Points

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  2 weeks ago it was farming insanity and writing a speech in my head.  Last week I spent every spare moment writing the speech.  FINALLY last night I gave the speech and while I think my delivery could stand some improvement, overall it was a positive experience for the audience.  All along my prayer was from John 12:49, that God would tell me what to say and how to say it, and to the best of my knowledge (and ability) that seems to be what happened.  God is so amazing!

That was the high point.  The low point has been the complete lack of progress in potty training.  Major, major plateau.  Nathan's got the whole Number One thing down, but I'm nearly convinced he will attend college going Number 2 in his underwear.  I run the gamut emotionally from insane fury that he refuses to even try, to failure mode that I've irreparably screwed him up, to despair and resignation.  He'll start preschool in the fall.  I guess time will tell if he actually gets to attend.

On a lighter note, I have some new projects in the works that are too new to talk about here, but I hope to have details for you soon.  Stay tuned!

Where did I park my Focus?

I purchased everything I needed.  Clinton helped me set up the decorations, videos and books.  I had the seat set up in the appropriate room.  I had prayed and prayed and prayed.  I even checked the Farmer's Almanac to be sure it was the best time.

And it was.

And it worked.

Mostly.

On Friday, April 9, I potty-trained Nathan using the book "Potty Train Your Child in Just One Day" by Teri Crane. I had planned to blog last week about how well the book worked for Nathan.

If you follow her plan, it can work.

If you only partially follow, you may have a major problem on your hands. 

Friday was okay.  Saturday started out shaky but he really was getting the hang of it that afternoon.  Sunday showed continued promise.

Monday came.  It all went down the tubes--literally and figuratively.

I had thought I would have at least another week before Clinton got into the field to begin planting.  I was wrong.  Oh, so wrong. 

Between meals and other farming chaos, final rehearsals for my Ladies' Day skit, Matthew's 3 track meets, trying to convince the family that it would all work out just fine if I left for two days, and just keeping my head above water with the house, I lost the battle. 

I had planned to have the whole week relatively free to be able to drop everything when needed to help continue Nathan's success.  The reality was that it was one of the most frustrating, nerve-racking, tear-filled weeks I have ever had.  No exaggeration.  There was not a single day last week I didn't break down sobbing at least once.  No PMS involved. 

I was SO ready for Ladies' Day. 

It was obvious that God had been at work in this event long before we started planning.   Everything from the anointing on the speakers to the weather to the decorations to the timing of everything was truly amazing.  Other than the fact that it was very cool that morning, Ladies' Day was absolutely perfect. 

It wasn't until keynote speaker Linda Mirante's second speech that I received what I needed, the message I had come to hear.

One word.

FOCUS.

She began by saying that when you have a bad day, you need to ask yourself, "What did I focus on today?"  I don't tend to be a very focused, driven person anyway, but I realized that I had had NO focus WHATSOEVER that week.  Or rather, I had no GOOD focus.  My focus had been on my distractions, duties, discouragements, and disasters.  I was looking around me when I needed to be looking up.

So that is the word that keeps coming to me this week as I try to repair the damage and continue on.  Focus on the next thing I need to do.  Focus on the child and not the clock  (So lunch is 45 minutes late.  They'll get over it eventually).  Focus on The One who has it ALL under control, if only I will get my grubby mitts off and give my chaos to Him. 

FOCUS. 

The Purple-eyed Monster, or Envy's Close Cousin

Okay, I guess I don't know for sure that Pride is purple-eyed, but I thought it sounded good.  You know, purple is the traditional color of royalty and when I am steeped in pride I consider my opinions to be more valid and important and reliable than God's and therefore I make myself out to be royalty versus the real royalty of the King of Kings... (Whoa.  Okay.  Stop.  Take a breath.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Better now.)    :)

It seems that God has more to teach me, using my "Envy lesson" from last week as a springboard . 

Webster's says Pride is a "high opinion of one's worth."  For me,  the connotation is that this worth is higher than everyone else's.  A prideful person feels that they are better than others, that their opinion is the correct one, the only one that matters in the end.

It's occurred to me recently that the opposite is also true.  Thinking that you are worse than everyone else is also pride.

"Okay, um, HUH?  What did you just say?"

I believe that when I am down on myself I am just as prideful as being "up" on myself. 

Whether my opinion of myself is for good or for bad, if it differs from God's opinion of me, it's wrong.  Moreover, it's sin.  Pride.

Romans 14:23 says, "Whatever is not from faith is sin."   Any time I trust or believe my own opinion over God's, I am in defiance of God.  Sin.

 

Now, we are also called to "think of ourselves with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given us." (Rom 12:3)  Complete honesty.  Total openness.  Based on GOD'S WORD, not on my own fickle feelings or whims of the world.

How does He see me?

As clay He is molding.  

More than that, as a sheep He is leading.  

More than that, as a servant He is charging.  

More than that, as a child He is teaching.  

More than that, as a friend He is confiding.

More than that, as The Beloved He is pursuing, wooing, loving. 

Hmmm.  I like that.  That sounds a whole lot better than what I have been thinking.

(progression of relationship courtesy of John Eldredge)

When green is not so becoming

I follow several blogs. If you're interested in them you can scroll down this page and peruse them to your heart's content.

I am loving reading these and am learning a lot, but I must admit, these blogs have one big flaw.

The writers are WAY too talented. 

Okay, yes, it's true, I admit it.  I have fallen prey to the green-eyed monster.  I look at the obvious talent and anointing of these bloggers and I think to myself, "I wish I'd thought of that!  If only I had an abundance of writing ideas like she does, or her eloquence, or tenacity, or wisdom, or sense of humor, or heck, just her sense!"  

Hello, my name is Debbie, and I'm an envy-aholic.  Well, okay,  maybe not quite that bad, but there are times. 

Jealousy for me doesn't manifest itself in a "mean girl," out-to-getcha kind of way.  I turn inward, berating myself for a lack of discipline, agonizing over my failure to be motivated,  counting off any number of other real or imagined faults, and finally succumb to my defeatist thought patterns.  

Yeah, I know.  None of that is really helpful.  Or from God.  As soon as I start comparing my measure of talent with another's seemingly greater measure it cracks open a door for The Enemy.  And of course, he takes full advantage.  The Devil doesn't make me do it, but he never misses an opportunity to take the ball and run with it.

***  ***  ***  ***   ***

It's now 30 minutes later.  I've worked for 2 minutes on a speech, gotten Nathan up from his nap, folded and put away a load of laundry, and nearly finished eating my second package of Finding Nemo fruit snacks.  Avoidance takes many forms.

It was clear to me early this morning that I was to post today, but I had no idea it would be on this topic.  I also had no idea it would be such a personal struggle.  

God is trying to tell me something.  Somewhere inside me, I don't want to hear it.  He wants to go deeper into my heart in this area than I've let Him go before.  I'm afraid to feel that pain, even though I know He wants to heal it.  I have to walk through it to get to the other side.  And yet I am resistant to the freedom.  Of course, The Enemy doesn't want me any closer to God, so he wants to run with the ball again.  But this time I'm not going to throw it to him.

As I was folding the towels, wondering at the source of my resistance, a phrase came to my mind:  "Five Loaves and Two Fish."  This is a concept I'm familiar with and that I have posted on before, but not quite in this way.  I immediately knew what He was saying, but I needed to write it to clarify it in my own mind.

The story of the feeding of the five thousand appears in all four gospels, but only in John does it mention that the loaves and fish belonged to a poor young boy.  He brought what he had to eat that day--five loaves and two fish--and gave it to Jesus.

 

Obviously he didn't think what I would have, "My little lunch is too small and insignificant to make much difference."  He knew it wouldn't be enough to feed all of the people.  He didn't worry that other boys might have had bigger lunches.  He simply offered what he had to God to do as He saw fit.  And it was enough.  More than enough.

What if he had left the house that morning with six loaves and three fish?  Would that have been a significantly larger gift in the grand scheme of the miracle to come?   Even if he'd brought an entire banquet, in reality, it wouldn't have made but miniscule difference.  The miracle wasn't in the gift itself. 

And we all know the rest of the story.

So the message to me today, the loving insight that speaks healing to places in my heart that have been quietly festering for decades, is this:  It's not the size of the gift--the amount of talent--that matters, it's what God can do with it.  He isn't limited by size.  In fact, many times He prefers to do great works with things "as small as a mustard seed."  But first I have to offer my measure of talent to Him.  

My purpose is not to be "better," "worse" or "as good as" anyone else.  My purpose is to listen and obey and do the best I can. 

To that end, I offer this blog and all the posts as gifts to God to use and multiply when, if and how He sees fit.  I'm excited to see Him in action.  And I'm looking forward to following all my favorite blogs with a renewed sense of wonder and gratitude for any measure I've been given.

No-Repeat Week

YES!  It's finally Monday!

No I'm not insane, especially as this weekend was the time change to Daylight Savings and we all seem to be feeling the effects.  Last week was a week I do not care to repeat.

Last Sunday, Clinton left for 2 days to attend the ACMI meeting in Indianapolis.  I usually try to go with him and leave the boys with my in-laws, but with it being 2 overnights we thought that would be too much for Nathan right now.  It was a good thing I didn't go.  Or, I should say, a GOD-THING I didn't go.

We've known for a few months that my father-in-law, Terry, needed open-heart surgery.  The medical staff had said would probably be scheduled for later in March, a week or two away at least.  Monday afternoon my mother-in-law, Carolyn, called me.  They wanted him to come Wednesday.  As in two days away.  Tuesday would be spent in prep with surgery first thing Wednesday morning.  She was in a near total panic trying to make arrangements, phone calls, etc.  Good thing she didn't have my boys through Tuesday as we'd planned or they wouldn't have been able to do it.  GOD-THING! 

Clinton's sister, Amy, who lives in Dallas, travels a lot with her job. As it turned out, she was in Indianapolis for a meeting that got out at 3:00 on Tuesday.  Clinton's meeting got out at noon.  He was able to pick her up from the meeting and drive her back with him.  What are the chances of that?  Not a coincidence.  A God-incidence.  GOD-THING!

Clinton and Amy arrived home shortly before 6:00.  I pulled in to Terry and Carolyn's driveway a little after 6:00 with pizza for everyone.  Rachel, the youngest sister who lives in St Louis, pulled into the driveway as I was unloading the pizza.  GOD-THING!  We were all able to spend a wonderful evening together before Dad's surgery on Wednesday.  GOD-THING!

There is a special Legg family story involving the Fruit of the Spirit that I won't share with you now, but guess what verse was part of my devotional on Wednesday morning?  You guessed it!  You're so smart!  Galatians 5:22, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."  Coincidence?  I think not!  A small reassurance that He had it all under control.  GOD-THING!

While the rest of the family was at the hospital, my job was to keep the home front running as normal as possible for Matthew and Nathan and be the point of contact to disseminate information as it became available.  I'm fairly good at talking, so this was no stretch for me.

Dad's surgery was delayed a couple of times on Wednesday.   Before leaving for Wednesday Night Family Night at church I got an update, which I was able to share with our church family -- still in surgery, going well, likely a few more hours.  After the meal as Craig, our Senior Minister, was praying, my cell phone rang.  Surgery was finished and he came through it very well!  I'm sure it was rather hilarious to watch me bent over, to try to get underneath the table to corral a loud, playful Nathan, talking as quietly as possible on my cell while everyone else was solemnly lifting prayers to The Lord.  But, as Craig finished, I was able to stand up, wave my hands around and announce the wonderful news.  Could the timing have worked out that way by chance?  No way!  GOD-THING!

Oh, and some dear friends, Gary and Mary, had a new grandson on Wednesday, so we were able to rejoice and relay that happy information as well.  Great news on a very stressful day.  GOD-THING! 

Wednesday night I collapsed into bed, missing my husband and emotionally exhausted.  My cell phone battery was also collapsing, so I plugged it in to recharge.  Little did I know what Thursday would hold.

Our dear friend Beth's dear mother, Earline, had had a procedure done on Tuesday that was apparently, um, how can I say this delicately, SCREWED UP!  She went in Thursday afternoon for emergency surgery that successfully fixed the main problem.  Hurray!  However, as a consequence of the initial screw up, she developed kidney failure, a bad infection and other complications that now have her on a ventilator.  We are praying for her and the entire family, and are grateful for cell phones, email and Facebook to keep us up to date with the latest.  

All of the house phones needed to be charged by the end of Thursday.

Friday and Saturday included much more relaying of info, keeping life as normal as possible, and picking up any pieces that needed to be picked up.  

Sunday afternoon (yesterday) Terry got to come home and we were all thrilled.  Unfortunately, Earline is still in the hospital and not getting any better yet.  Info continues to be relayed, prayers continue to be lifted, and phones continue to recharge.

We are all still a bit wrung out, but I'm sure we're not nearly as bad as Earline and her family.  But I do know (and Beth, Earline and the family know as well) that God is there with them and will see them through.  My biggest prayer right now is that a week from today, Earline will be miraculously improved and we will have many more God-things to share.

Puttin' My Hand in The Hand

 For the past, I don't know, 6 months or so, Psalm 37:23&24 has been a theme in my life:

 A man's steps are established by the Lord,

 and He delights in his way.

Even though he falls, he will not be overwhelmed,

 because the Lord holds his hand.

  

As the mother of a toddler, I totally identify.

No matter where we go, if we're walking, Nathan is right there beside me, or at least in very close proximity.  When we begin to cross the parking lot or walk where the ground is uneven, I grab his hand.  That way even if he does trip, he may get a skinned knee, but he's not going all the way down.  No bloody noses or bruised foreheads.  No teeth knocked out.  No major damage.  If he starts to pull away, I can (gently) yank him back.  It's also a chance to rub my fingers over his sweet baby hand or give a little squeeze to convey how much I love him.

Same with God and me.  He's got my hand.  He watches out for me, keeping me from tripping over rocky relationships.  He yanks me back when I strain ahead towards danger I can't see.   I may get my foot wet from stepping in the pothole, but I won't be sprawled out on the concrete.  And I can give His hand a little squeeze just as He can squeeze mine.  The mental picture I have of Him guiding me, protecting me and loving me never fails to bring a smile to my face and a thrill to my heart.

That is, unless I let go.  If I'm determined to wriggle "free," He'll let me.  If I sneer at Him and say, "I do it myself!" then He'll oblige.

On my own can be a very scary place.

I think I'll hang on.  

How about you? 

A Spoonful of Grace Helps the Judgement Go Down

Today I had the privilege of reading Heather's latest blog entry on freelybroken.blogspot.com.  In it she candidly shares her struggle with being judgmental.  I wanted to post a comment on her blog about what helps me in that area, but then I decided that, as long-winded as I can be, it might be better to blog on it myself.  

 

So what do I do to combat being judgmental?  (I use the word combat on purpose, because it is definitely a battle)  Two things that are closely related.

A)  In my experience, most of the time people hurt us unintentionally.  I can't take the offense (real or made up) personally.  The Rude Cashier didn't mean for the comment to sound so harsh.  The Stupid Driver didn't single me out to cut me off, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  My Friend didn't intend to make that horrible decision to aggravate me, something else must be going on in her life.  Don't take it personally.  Try to give the benefit of the doubt.  A little grace can go a long way.  

Even if we suspect what they did WAS intentional, what better way to diffuse it and make it stop than to let it roll off?  Truthfully, nothing gets my goat more than someone who won't fight with me when I want them to, but it does take two to tangle.  Yes, I will be a little perturbed that you're not going to be baited, but really, it will be so fun for you to watch my reaction.  (Okay, my human nature is coming out)  It's also helpful to remember Proverbs 19:11, A man's wisdom gives him patience;  it is to his glory to overlook an offense.   I usually have to quote it to myself early and often.

2) I remind myself that I do not have all the information on a person or situation.  For all I know, the Rude Cashier may just have learned that her mother is dying of cancer.  The Stupid Driver may be losing his job at the end of the week.  My Friend who made a stupid decision might be influenced by people or situations I know nothing about.  There is nearly always more to the story than I know at the time.

This is the way that I try to react when confronted with Rude Cashier:  "Wow, she seems to be having a bad day.  I wonder why?  Did I do something to contribute to it and need to apologize?  No.  Is there anything I can do to help turn her day around?  Yes.  I can be sure to smile at her and tell her 'Thank you.'  I can try to lighten the day with a funny observation.  Above all, I can pray for her, that God will meet her where she is right now and shine His light into her life.  That He would send His comfort and strength, wisdom and understanding into whatever situation she is facing today.  That I can be His hands and feet to her." 

I'll be the first (and loudest) to admit that I don't always succeed in this.  But I am trying to follow Romans 12:2 and "no longer conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of my mind."  Transformation takes both time and the power of the Holy Spirit. 

God overlooks the hundreds of times each day that I snub him.  He forgives me when I'm harsh with my kids and my husband.  He waits patiently when I cut Him off before He's finished talking to me.   The least I can do is try to extend that same grace to others.