Memorial Day Failures

Yesterday was Memorial Day.  A day set aside to remember those who fought and died for my freedom as an American.  Oh, and a federal holiday.  That is, unless you are a farmer.  National Day Off or not, if the fields are ready, you farm. 

It was also a day I fought a major battle for my own freedom.

Through the last year I've become more aware of the concept of spiritual warfare.  I hadn't really experienced it in full force until the last few weeks.  God has been leading me forward into new areas of creativity and ministry since February (see www.talkyourleggoff.com), and there has been some opposition along the way, but the serious attack began about 3 weeks ago.

I don't know if it's simply my writer's mind or what, but this battle had a theme: Failure.  Every area of my life was affected, from potty training Nathan to cooking to co-leading women's ministry to my relationship with Clinton to planting flowers.  EVERY TIME I tried to do ANYTHING it would go wrong, and I would hear in my mind, "FAIL!  FAIL!  FAIL!  I'm a screw-up.  I can't do it right.  It's all my fault.  I am a failure as a mom.  A failure as a wife.  A failure as a women's ministry leader.  I have been, am, and will always be a failure."  

I've dealt with my own negative thinking in the past, but this was...stronger.  Heavier.  More.  Wave after wave after wave knocked me down, ocean tides continued to roll in with no let up in sight.  Just as I'd stand up and get my bearings another would hit.  I have been close to tears every single moment of  the day for weeks.  I could sense it beginning to take a permanent toll.

  

The worst part was that I KNEW there was a spiritual component to all of this.  Deep down I KNEW this was the enemy and it was all lies.  But it FELT true.  I kept being presented with overwhelming evidence to support that I was a failure.  To add insult to injury, I felt too weak and powerless to even think of trying to fight.

I finally hit a crossroads yesterday morning while I was getting ready for the day.  I knew that if I continued on this path it would only get worse.  I've been down roads like this before.  I have no intention of going back.  Ever. 

Not by my might.  Not by my power.  But by His Spirit.

I'm usually a go-it-alone kind of gal.  God and I, we can handle it.  No need to bother anyone else.  It takes A LOT for me to ask for help, even just to ask for prayer for myself.  But I knew I needed the strength of others, the support of my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I finished getting ready and quickly messaged some of my most prayerful friends.  I committed myself and my schedule to serious time with God in the afternoon (Nathan's naptime) to draw strength and truth from His word and bind the enemy and cast him out.  Even with His strength and with others interceding for me, I wasn't sure what would happen.   In preparation I began listening to my iPod and various music and podcasts, including getting caught up on my One Year Daily Audio Bible podcast. 

Brian Hardin, who leads the Daily Audio Bible community and reads for the podcast, was on his way to Africa.  Until he could get set up there his wife, Jill Parr, was reading in his place.

 

The weight had started lifting, just a bit, after I made the decision to seek help earlier in the morning, but it was by no means gone.  The prayer at the end of this podcast confirmed to me that I was on the right track.  In fact, it was a major turning point.  

Here are Jill's exact words from her prayer at the end of the reading: 

I thank you, God, that your word is truth and I thank you that it is the truth that sets us free. But so many of us, instead of choosing to believe the truth, we believe the lie because the lie seems more believable than the truth. So God, I’m asking that every person that is listening now would know the truth, would choose the truth of how you see them, that we are not miserable failures, that we are not sinners, God, that we are saints saved by grace, forever striving to be more like you. I thank you, God, that your word breathes life into our weary bodies, our broken spirits, our crushed emotional beings. You come to heal the brokenhearted and to set the captive free. God, we’re wounded people. Each of us has a story, but we have been defined by that story for so long, God, that we forget that our identity comes through you and in you. God, please help us believe that we are everything that you say that we are. Help us to choose the truth, to believe the truth, and to walk in truth. In your name I pray, amen.  (emphasis mine)

I fully realize that I'm not the only one who needed to hear God speak those words yesterday, but I KNOW He intended that message for me, too.  I have been praying Psalm 43:3 a lot lately -- Send Your light and Your truth, let them lead me.   Jill's prayer spoke Light and Truth, calming the ocean tides into a glassy pond.  

I wanted to be sure I could always remember this and go back to it to see God's faithfulness.   I took up 12 pages in my prayer journal writing all of this and more.  (You are obviously reading an extremely edited version.)     

I am free.  Oh, I'm sure sometimes I'll feel like a miserable failure again.  Probably a lot of that will be my own negative thinking issues and not an all out enemy attack.  But now I have a defense, and I have my own plan of attack.  

This time, the enemy's power started to crack when I decided I had to do something, anything.  Asking for prayer dealt a serious blow.  The actual prayers added the strength and faith I needed to not give up.  Jill's prayer had the effect of an obliterating assault, and all I really had to do that afternoon was show up and walk into the light and truth of God's word. 

I am not a miserable failure.  I am God's Beloved. How fitting that my freedom came on Memorial Day. 

My prayer is that by sharing this you will be able to have your own Memorial Day.

Lions and Kings and Movie Quotes, Oh My!

"The gweat kings of da past up dere, watch ovuh us."

If you mention The Lion King around Nathan, that is usually his reply.  Dramatic wave of the arm, eyes lifted up, the whole nine yards.  Yes, my nearly-3-year-old may have been watching a little too much TV lately. 

I don't know if this is the reason that I have lions on the brain or not...

In fact, lions are a refreshing change from the huge focal points of my recent thought life: the geneaology of Jesus and Prairie Home Companion.  Yeah, I know.  "Work" related stuff.   More on those another time...

In spite of all the dissimilar subject matter rattling my tiny brain I managed to make a connection about Jesus and Satan through the lions. (Get it?  Yeah, I know, that was terrible.)

One of the descriptions of Jesus is as the Lion of Judah.  When I hear this I always picture a stately, strong lion, protective yet kind, able to attack when necessary yet would prefer not to.  Okay, maybe I'm at least slightly influenced by Aslan from The Chronicles of Narnia, but I don't believe that is unintentional.  CS Lewis wrote the character with that in mind.

The comparison to the Enemy comes from 1 Peter 5:8, Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  For some reason I picked up on the word LIKE in this passage.  

Satan is not a lion.  He pretends to be one.  He is a poser.  A fake.  He thinks he's all that and is trying to get us to buy into his lie.  But the "lion who lies down with the lamb" he most decidedly is not.

And, yes,  it is true that the Enemy is intent on doing everything he can to draw us away from Jesus, and he does want to devour our hearts.  But, in the end, the poser lion is no match for The Lion of Judah, just as Scar is no match for the grown Simba.

Good news for me that The Great King of the Past, Present and Future is not only watching over us from up there, but from inside as well.   

I guess the song, "He Lives In You" from Lion King 2 is truer than they know.

Since I KNOW the suspense is KILLING you... ;)

I do a lot of juggling.  

Not plates or balls or chainsaws, but responsibilities and projects and even the occasional "fun" thing.  

Currently my Commas are as follows:  beloved of Jesus, farmer and business owner's wife, mother of 2 active boys,  Sidetracked Home Executive, co-leader of women's ministry, member of the planning team for ladies' day, member of a local philanthropic organization, writer, blogger, occasional speaker, bible study leader, co-writer of First Christian's Christmas program, and online shopper extraordinaire (which you are out of necessity if you live where I do) .  I even manage to fit in working out many days, although clearly not as many days as I need to.

This is not a "woe is me I'm so busy blah blah blah" post.  I am NOT complaining in the least, nor am I trying to compare my busyness with anyone else's.  I am, however, reevaluating all of my responsibilities and praying about which to give up. 

The reason for this reeval is quite simply that the Lord is presenting me with an offer I can't refuse.  Twenty plus years of theatrical appreciation (I won't go so far as to call what I have "training" or "skill"), of writing and directing and gleaning knowledge have led me to this place.

I am adding film maker to my list of commas.  Talk Your Legg Off Productions is now as up and running as it's going to be.  Of course, all that tangibly means is that I have a website (talkyourleggoff.com), YouTube and Vimeo accounts, a new camera and software, and a whole lot of learning in front of me. 

As far as the intangibles, I have twenty plus years of experiences in writing, directing and producing in my tiny corner of the world, and I have a calling.  Truly an example of  "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called."

As I relate at talkyourleggoff.com, a couple of months ago I asked God if I was doing all He wanted with my calling as a speaker.  The word "YouTube" flashed in my mind.  Through what I can only describe as Holy Spirit insight, I knew I was supposed to produce skits and speeches and post them online. In short order He gave me the name Talk Your Legg Off and the solid idea for my first film, which for me helped to confirm the calling.

Only problem is, I have no idea how I'll fit this in to my life.  This will be a MAJOR time commitment.  Some things will likely have to go, but every time I ask I don't get any answers.  So, I'm taking a Wait and See approach.  He will reveal the excess as He sees fit.  

I do believe I'm to keep this blog, and keep it in pretty much the same format, so that's one question answered, many to go.  I know, right now you are breathing a sigh of relief.  Ha-ha-ha.  :)

Keep breathing, and keep checking back.  You may even want to head over to talkyourleggoff.com and see what there is to see.   And if not, that's cool, too.

For now, I'm praying Psalm 43:3&4, which He gave me shortly after I got my marching orders:  "Send Your light and Your truth; let them lead me.  Let them bring me to Your holy mountain, to Your dwelling place.  Then I will come to the altar of God, to God, my greatest joy."   

It's in my love affair with God, in doing the things I am made to do, in following The Light and The Truth, that will lead me to my greatest joy.

 

High Points and Low Points

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  2 weeks ago it was farming insanity and writing a speech in my head.  Last week I spent every spare moment writing the speech.  FINALLY last night I gave the speech and while I think my delivery could stand some improvement, overall it was a positive experience for the audience.  All along my prayer was from John 12:49, that God would tell me what to say and how to say it, and to the best of my knowledge (and ability) that seems to be what happened.  God is so amazing!

That was the high point.  The low point has been the complete lack of progress in potty training.  Major, major plateau.  Nathan's got the whole Number One thing down, but I'm nearly convinced he will attend college going Number 2 in his underwear.  I run the gamut emotionally from insane fury that he refuses to even try, to failure mode that I've irreparably screwed him up, to despair and resignation.  He'll start preschool in the fall.  I guess time will tell if he actually gets to attend.

On a lighter note, I have some new projects in the works that are too new to talk about here, but I hope to have details for you soon.  Stay tuned!

Where did I park my Focus?

I purchased everything I needed.  Clinton helped me set up the decorations, videos and books.  I had the seat set up in the appropriate room.  I had prayed and prayed and prayed.  I even checked the Farmer's Almanac to be sure it was the best time.

And it was.

And it worked.

Mostly.

On Friday, April 9, I potty-trained Nathan using the book "Potty Train Your Child in Just One Day" by Teri Crane. I had planned to blog last week about how well the book worked for Nathan.

If you follow her plan, it can work.

If you only partially follow, you may have a major problem on your hands. 

Friday was okay.  Saturday started out shaky but he really was getting the hang of it that afternoon.  Sunday showed continued promise.

Monday came.  It all went down the tubes--literally and figuratively.

I had thought I would have at least another week before Clinton got into the field to begin planting.  I was wrong.  Oh, so wrong. 

Between meals and other farming chaos, final rehearsals for my Ladies' Day skit, Matthew's 3 track meets, trying to convince the family that it would all work out just fine if I left for two days, and just keeping my head above water with the house, I lost the battle. 

I had planned to have the whole week relatively free to be able to drop everything when needed to help continue Nathan's success.  The reality was that it was one of the most frustrating, nerve-racking, tear-filled weeks I have ever had.  No exaggeration.  There was not a single day last week I didn't break down sobbing at least once.  No PMS involved. 

I was SO ready for Ladies' Day. 

It was obvious that God had been at work in this event long before we started planning.   Everything from the anointing on the speakers to the weather to the decorations to the timing of everything was truly amazing.  Other than the fact that it was very cool that morning, Ladies' Day was absolutely perfect. 

It wasn't until keynote speaker Linda Mirante's second speech that I received what I needed, the message I had come to hear.

One word.

FOCUS.

She began by saying that when you have a bad day, you need to ask yourself, "What did I focus on today?"  I don't tend to be a very focused, driven person anyway, but I realized that I had had NO focus WHATSOEVER that week.  Or rather, I had no GOOD focus.  My focus had been on my distractions, duties, discouragements, and disasters.  I was looking around me when I needed to be looking up.

So that is the word that keeps coming to me this week as I try to repair the damage and continue on.  Focus on the next thing I need to do.  Focus on the child and not the clock  (So lunch is 45 minutes late.  They'll get over it eventually).  Focus on The One who has it ALL under control, if only I will get my grubby mitts off and give my chaos to Him. 

FOCUS. 

The Purple-eyed Monster, or Envy's Close Cousin

Okay, I guess I don't know for sure that Pride is purple-eyed, but I thought it sounded good.  You know, purple is the traditional color of royalty and when I am steeped in pride I consider my opinions to be more valid and important and reliable than God's and therefore I make myself out to be royalty versus the real royalty of the King of Kings... (Whoa.  Okay.  Stop.  Take a breath.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Better now.)    :)

It seems that God has more to teach me, using my "Envy lesson" from last week as a springboard . 

Webster's says Pride is a "high opinion of one's worth."  For me,  the connotation is that this worth is higher than everyone else's.  A prideful person feels that they are better than others, that their opinion is the correct one, the only one that matters in the end.

It's occurred to me recently that the opposite is also true.  Thinking that you are worse than everyone else is also pride.

"Okay, um, HUH?  What did you just say?"

I believe that when I am down on myself I am just as prideful as being "up" on myself. 

Whether my opinion of myself is for good or for bad, if it differs from God's opinion of me, it's wrong.  Moreover, it's sin.  Pride.

Romans 14:23 says, "Whatever is not from faith is sin."   Any time I trust or believe my own opinion over God's, I am in defiance of God.  Sin.

 

Now, we are also called to "think of ourselves with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given us." (Rom 12:3)  Complete honesty.  Total openness.  Based on GOD'S WORD, not on my own fickle feelings or whims of the world.

How does He see me?

As clay He is molding.  

More than that, as a sheep He is leading.  

More than that, as a servant He is charging.  

More than that, as a child He is teaching.  

More than that, as a friend He is confiding.

More than that, as The Beloved He is pursuing, wooing, loving. 

Hmmm.  I like that.  That sounds a whole lot better than what I have been thinking.

(progression of relationship courtesy of John Eldredge)

When green is not so becoming

I follow several blogs. If you're interested in them you can scroll down this page and peruse them to your heart's content.

I am loving reading these and am learning a lot, but I must admit, these blogs have one big flaw.

The writers are WAY too talented. 

Okay, yes, it's true, I admit it.  I have fallen prey to the green-eyed monster.  I look at the obvious talent and anointing of these bloggers and I think to myself, "I wish I'd thought of that!  If only I had an abundance of writing ideas like she does, or her eloquence, or tenacity, or wisdom, or sense of humor, or heck, just her sense!"  

Hello, my name is Debbie, and I'm an envy-aholic.  Well, okay,  maybe not quite that bad, but there are times. 

Jealousy for me doesn't manifest itself in a "mean girl," out-to-getcha kind of way.  I turn inward, berating myself for a lack of discipline, agonizing over my failure to be motivated,  counting off any number of other real or imagined faults, and finally succumb to my defeatist thought patterns.  

Yeah, I know.  None of that is really helpful.  Or from God.  As soon as I start comparing my measure of talent with another's seemingly greater measure it cracks open a door for The Enemy.  And of course, he takes full advantage.  The Devil doesn't make me do it, but he never misses an opportunity to take the ball and run with it.

***  ***  ***  ***   ***

It's now 30 minutes later.  I've worked for 2 minutes on a speech, gotten Nathan up from his nap, folded and put away a load of laundry, and nearly finished eating my second package of Finding Nemo fruit snacks.  Avoidance takes many forms.

It was clear to me early this morning that I was to post today, but I had no idea it would be on this topic.  I also had no idea it would be such a personal struggle.  

God is trying to tell me something.  Somewhere inside me, I don't want to hear it.  He wants to go deeper into my heart in this area than I've let Him go before.  I'm afraid to feel that pain, even though I know He wants to heal it.  I have to walk through it to get to the other side.  And yet I am resistant to the freedom.  Of course, The Enemy doesn't want me any closer to God, so he wants to run with the ball again.  But this time I'm not going to throw it to him.

As I was folding the towels, wondering at the source of my resistance, a phrase came to my mind:  "Five Loaves and Two Fish."  This is a concept I'm familiar with and that I have posted on before, but not quite in this way.  I immediately knew what He was saying, but I needed to write it to clarify it in my own mind.

The story of the feeding of the five thousand appears in all four gospels, but only in John does it mention that the loaves and fish belonged to a poor young boy.  He brought what he had to eat that day--five loaves and two fish--and gave it to Jesus.

 

Obviously he didn't think what I would have, "My little lunch is too small and insignificant to make much difference."  He knew it wouldn't be enough to feed all of the people.  He didn't worry that other boys might have had bigger lunches.  He simply offered what he had to God to do as He saw fit.  And it was enough.  More than enough.

What if he had left the house that morning with six loaves and three fish?  Would that have been a significantly larger gift in the grand scheme of the miracle to come?   Even if he'd brought an entire banquet, in reality, it wouldn't have made but miniscule difference.  The miracle wasn't in the gift itself. 

And we all know the rest of the story.

So the message to me today, the loving insight that speaks healing to places in my heart that have been quietly festering for decades, is this:  It's not the size of the gift--the amount of talent--that matters, it's what God can do with it.  He isn't limited by size.  In fact, many times He prefers to do great works with things "as small as a mustard seed."  But first I have to offer my measure of talent to Him.  

My purpose is not to be "better," "worse" or "as good as" anyone else.  My purpose is to listen and obey and do the best I can. 

To that end, I offer this blog and all the posts as gifts to God to use and multiply when, if and how He sees fit.  I'm excited to see Him in action.  And I'm looking forward to following all my favorite blogs with a renewed sense of wonder and gratitude for any measure I've been given.