Getting My Guard Up, part 2

For the record, I am not a perfectionist.  I am not a control freak.  If I wasn't a Christian I probably would be both of those, but because of the Grace of God I am not.  

I do, however, like to do my very best when it counts.  For instance, keeping my house sparkling and spotless is not someplace it counts, although I do make sure my house is functional and clean-enough-to-not-encourage-the-spread-of-disease.  When writing for myself (i.e. this blog) I don't edit as judiciously as I do projects that involve other people.  I'm going with the stream of consciousness thing here. (And you wondered why I don't always make much sense.  Welcome to the chaos that is Mommy Brain.)

It's been two weeks since I posted about guarding my heart.  I am failing.  Sometimes I'm failing miserably and sometimes I do fairly well, but for all the newly-acquired insight I have obtained on the subject, the actual implementation is elusive. 

The Debbie Translation:  I need "a little less talk, a lot more action."  

To guard my heart I have to start with guarding my mind. 

WAY.  EASIER.  SAID.  THAN.  DONE.

Being as my brain is always going 976 mph, it's not easy to keep up.  I let my mind wander for a split second, my imagination ignites and I'm right back to where I started.  My current favorite facebook status, "Don't believe everything you think. It's bound to create problems that don't even exist," helps a lot, but it's still doesn't cover all the bases.

I'm totally understanding Paul here when he talks in Romans 7 about the interior war, the spiritual parts within us versus the earthly and sinful parts.  If Paul struggled with that, I'm going to as well, until death do I depart. 

I don't want to keep fighting the same battle day after day after day.  (No wonder cooking and cleaning are not among my favorite things.)  I want to have my heart well-protected yesterday. Then I can move on to other things.

*sigh*  It ain't happenin'.

Sometimes I am the Warrior Princess, slaying the dragons to protect myself and my family.  Other times I am the little girl hiding in the corner, discouraged and defeated.

All the time I am too hard on myself.  Doing my best does not mean I will always get it right (although obviously somewhere deep inside I think it should).  

I remind myself, here and now, that transformation takes time.  It's not a quick fix or instantaneous change. I can't undo forty years of wounds and negative patterns in two weeks.  And, although God can do that in me, He's choosing to heal and transform me a little bit at a time.

He continues to extend Grace and Mercy to me.  I need to extend some to myself. 

Getting My Guard Up

I have started and deleted this post MANY times over the last few weeks.  

Even now it is very difficult to sit and write because I'm not quite "there" yet.  I haven't mastered this lesson.  The worst part is, in this lifetime, I never will.  But that said, here goes nothing.  For about the eleventh time.  I hope it makes any kind of sense.

God has really been working on cleaning out and healing my heart and mind since about February.  As much as I'm enjoying my newly-found freedoms, He started with the easier areas first (see previous posts from the past 6 months).  

That means that we have gone from dusting tables to now dragging out the yucky, moldy, stinky, useless, disgusting junk in the basement.  (DISCLAIMER:  Just so we're clear, this is a picture of my heart, not the lowest level of my house.  Hmmmm...maybe this is why I've gone off Flylady and decluttering my house?  I guess I can only handle one cleaning binge at a time.) 

This is NOT my idea of fun.  Some of my scars have been with me so long I've considered having them apply for their own social security numbers.   

But that's the problem.  Jesus came to restore my heart, to heal it.  He doesn't want me (or you) to suffer any longer.  He especially doesn't want to leave anything the Enemy can use to his advantage.  He wants me (and you) healed, healthy and holy.  Deep down I want that, too.  But the process hurts, and it's hard.  It's not a magic-potion-once-and-for-all cure.  My only hope of that is Eternity.  But to grow closer to Him, to become every day more and more His Beloved, it has to be done.  *big sigh*

Right now, at this point in the battle, this is what it's about:

Proverbs 4:23  Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

These are the words I keep hearing over and over and keep repeating to myself every time junk comes up.  DEBBIE -- GUARD.  YOUR.  HEART.

Not shut my heart down.  Not close it off.  Not erect a high, impenetrable fortress.  While my heart needs to be well protected there must also be access, places for love and truth to move in and out.  My strong wall definitely needs a gate or two.   

I've always been open-hearted.  When I love I really, really love.  My heart really can contain a wellspring of life.

But it must bubble up pure water.  I have to stop letting pollutants in.  I need to be careful and watch what I allow into my heart.  Not just from the outside world, but from my own mind as well.

How do I do this?  I'm still working a lot of that out.  But here are my best weapons so far: 

2 Corinthians 10:5, We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Psalm 101:2b-3, I will walk in my house with a blameless heart.  I will set before my (*mind's) eyes no vile thing.  (*addition in parentheses mine)

John 8:31b-32, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."   (all emphasis mine)

When my mind starts to wander (which it does when I'm sad, anxious, lonely, frustrated, weak etc.  Basically throughout most of my day) I've got to take my thoughts captive and speak God's truth into them.  I have to choose, moment by moment,  to believe the truth and not the lie.  Even if I don't have all of the information about a situation, I have to remind myself of what I do know to be true and then wait for more information from God, scripture, circumstances or other people. 

The HUGE BONUS (and the best part) is, by guarding my heart, I am also guarding my husband's heart.  And my sons' hearts.  And my family's hearts.  And my friends'.  And those I minister with.  And those I minister to.   If I use God's truth to build the wall of protection around my heart then all those that I love and cherish will be protected, too.

Even though I will always struggle in this area,  I know that the weapons I familiarize myself with now will serve me well in the future. 

That sounds very freeing to me.