Father Knows Best

Currently I am juggling two big (for me) writing projects.  First of all I am working on my first film for Talk Your Legg Off Productions. (http://talkyourleggoff.com)  Secondly I am co-writing our church's Christmas program.  I've been plugging away at them for some time now, but recently I had another idea for Talk Your Legg Off.  It's a speech I've had in my head for a few years now but haven't had the occasion (okay, the deadline) to sit down and put it all together.

I've wondered for a few weeks about slipping this speech in as my first official TYLO project.  It would be easier on all counts -- to write, to film, to edit, to post.  It's a speech, right?  How hard could that be to film and edit?  The more I thought about it, the more I liked it.  That would be an excellent way to get my feet wet and get myself  "out there" in preparation for the bigger idea.  This all made a lot of sense to me.

However, it's been my experience that whatever path makes the most common sense is usually the least likely to be the path God wants.     

Earlier in the week I had agreed to come up with a name for the main character for the Christmas program.  While going through my book one name struck me more than any other -- Amos.  I knew I was supposed to use the name Amos, although as a first or last name I didn't know. I finally settled on Amos Duke.  Amos means "burden" and Duke means "leader."  A burdened leader is exactly who this character is, and so I intended to see what Jeff and Tom thought about it, although I hadn't quite made it that far yet.  

Saturday afternoon I got pretty discouraged about the film when I realized my software wasn't going to do all I needed it to do.  This means I've got to research other software, be sure my computer will handle it, make sure it's compatible with my camera, make sure it does all the things I may ever need it to do, etc and so on. 

This is less than an exciting prospect.  Did I ever mention to you that I am completely a techno-idiot?   I don't KNOW what I need, and I don't know enough to know what I need to know but don't know.  UGH!  I'd rather go to the dentist than try to figure all this out.  Too much for my little brain to handle.  Total overwhelm.  Hyperventilation hadn't started yet but I could feel the panic rising.

Deep down I suspected that my desire to stick this speech into my schedule was my own way of (not) dealing with my technology issues.  "This will be easy to do, and when I accomplish this I'll feel better about myself and then I'll be able to tackle the film."  Makes sense, right?   Right!  Someone explain that to God for me, please.

Saturday night I asked the Lord to provide me with some guidance.  "Lord, if you want me to do the speech first, give me some fresh insights for it."  Then I went to bed, expecting to hear something from the Lord, probably at church the next morning.  

Oftentimes I get ideas during our minister's sermons.  Something he says triggers a thought, which triggers something else.  This sermon was no exception, just not in the way I planned.

Craig started relating a story about when he was in bible college and was visiting a family for supper.  When the meal was over the father got his bible and started to thumb through it.  "I didn't know what was going on there," Craig said.  "Gonna read something from the book of Amos tonight, I don't know."

Wait.  What did he just say?  Of all the things he could have said, he mentioned the name Amos.  In a sermon.  When is the last time you heard the name Amos in a sermon that wasn't based on the book of Amos?  When is the last time you heard a sermon from the book of Amos?  Coincidence?  Nope.  I've been around enough to know that was a God-incidence.  God was confirming to me to hang in there with the Christmas program. Oh, and that I was on the right track with the name.

It wasn't until after church was over that I got confirmation on the TYLO film.  That confirmation was even cooler that the first one, but...I can't tell you about it right now.  If I do, it will give away too much about the the film and it will ruin it for you. 

Believe me, I am DYING to tell you because it is SO COMPLETELY COOL, but rest assured, after the film comes out (whenever that may be) I will share the story.  Hang tight.

The important thing, though, is that I didn't get ANYTHING for the speech.  God was confirming what I secretly suspected all along but wasn't thrilled to hear -- stay with the two big projects I have going and quit messing around with the little stuff.  Maybe later He'll let me film the speech, but for now, let's stick with what we have going already.

And I am completely cool with that.  It took a sermon, and other God-incidences, on Father's Day to remind me that He does, in fact, know best.

PS -- I'm looking into purchasing software similar to what our worship minister uses.  If it's what I need, I'll have my very own live Help Desk.  That is DEFINITELY a good thing.

Hello, My Name Is...

When I became a Christian years ago I learned about the Holy Spirit.  

When you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart God raised Him from the dead you will be saved (Romans 10:9).  Repent and be baptized... for the forgiveness of your sins and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:38).

When I pictured, in my mind, living a life guided by the Holy Spirit, I saw myself walking in step with Him in all ways and at all times.  I would be so in tuned with Him that I wouldn't even need to think about what I was doing, He would just flow in me and through me, guiding my every action.

It wasn't until (many) years later that I realized that what I was picturing in my head wasn't really the Holy Spirit.


It was The Force.


Yes, okay, I'm a product of my generation.  Star Wars is part of my cultural makeup. 


The idea of the Spirit flowing through me in this way is not necessarily an inaccurate picture, but it is incomplete.  For instance, it's hard to have a relationship with a Force.  


"Good morning, Force!  I love you!"
"Whang...whang...whang..."


Not really working for me.


Fortunately, the Spirit is not a force.  He is a person.  The third member of the trinity.  Our counselor, comforter, strength and guide.  The Still, Small Voice that leads us.


If Jesus is The Word and the Spirit is The Voice...I should be able to hear Him talk, right?


I am learning to do just that.  I mean, I do hear from Him, usually an impression or a check in my spirit or through scripture or so many other ways.  But to hear His voice, actual words...it is a process.  I'll never get it 100% correct, but as I continue to grow in relationship with Him it will become easier to hear His voice. 


All of this I've known for a while and have been trying to put into practice.  This week, however, I realized how deeply ingrained the concept of The Spirit As The Force is in me.


I've started to realize I need...well...a bit of a prayer upgrade.  

Yes, I pray as I go throughout the day.  I pray for myself, Clinton, Matthew and Nathan, friends and family, different needs as I encounter them through the day, seeking guidance and wisdom and insight...but am I really praying, as I should be?  As I could be?


I think sometimes I sort of half-pray.  I THINK the prayers, but I'm not sure how much actual focus, purpose, intention I put into them. And certainly most of the time I don't ask what to pray and wait to hear the answer like I should.  (Who, me?  Not listen?  Too busy talking?  Distracted and discombobulated?  Ah, my friends, you know me well.) 

I guess on some level I rely too much on Romans 8:26b, We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  Maybe I subconsciously assume He will simply fill in ALL the blanks.


I think it's like living with someone.   You can inhabit the same house but that doesn't mean you have a close relationship, or even any relationship.   You've got to talk to each other, communicate, spend time together.  

Clinton can walk through the house and I can tell what kind of mood he's in by the weight of his footsteps.  I can hear the pouting tone of Matthew's voice even before I nag him to practice his piano lesson.  I know if I raise my eyebrow just right that Nathan will go into a giggle fit.  

I know these things because I spend time with them.  I watch them and try to learn about them.  We are familiar with each other.   But there is always more to learn, more to discover, more nuances and details to be revealed.

Don't get me wrong.  I do meet with Him, usually several times a day.  It's amazing what insights can come when you're folding laundry.   I'm learning and growing all the time.  I'm becoming more and more familiar .  God and I are good, but can always get better.  I just need to be a little more focused, a little more purposeful.

So if you say something to me and I don't answer right away, hang on, I'll be with you in a minute.  I'm talking with God.

Memorial Day Failures

Yesterday was Memorial Day.  A day set aside to remember those who fought and died for my freedom as an American.  Oh, and a federal holiday.  That is, unless you are a farmer.  National Day Off or not, if the fields are ready, you farm. 

It was also a day I fought a major battle for my own freedom.

Through the last year I've become more aware of the concept of spiritual warfare.  I hadn't really experienced it in full force until the last few weeks.  God has been leading me forward into new areas of creativity and ministry since February (see www.talkyourleggoff.com), and there has been some opposition along the way, but the serious attack began about 3 weeks ago.

I don't know if it's simply my writer's mind or what, but this battle had a theme: Failure.  Every area of my life was affected, from potty training Nathan to cooking to co-leading women's ministry to my relationship with Clinton to planting flowers.  EVERY TIME I tried to do ANYTHING it would go wrong, and I would hear in my mind, "FAIL!  FAIL!  FAIL!  I'm a screw-up.  I can't do it right.  It's all my fault.  I am a failure as a mom.  A failure as a wife.  A failure as a women's ministry leader.  I have been, am, and will always be a failure."  

I've dealt with my own negative thinking in the past, but this was...stronger.  Heavier.  More.  Wave after wave after wave knocked me down, ocean tides continued to roll in with no let up in sight.  Just as I'd stand up and get my bearings another would hit.  I have been close to tears every single moment of  the day for weeks.  I could sense it beginning to take a permanent toll.

  

The worst part was that I KNEW there was a spiritual component to all of this.  Deep down I KNEW this was the enemy and it was all lies.  But it FELT true.  I kept being presented with overwhelming evidence to support that I was a failure.  To add insult to injury, I felt too weak and powerless to even think of trying to fight.

I finally hit a crossroads yesterday morning while I was getting ready for the day.  I knew that if I continued on this path it would only get worse.  I've been down roads like this before.  I have no intention of going back.  Ever. 

Not by my might.  Not by my power.  But by His Spirit.

I'm usually a go-it-alone kind of gal.  God and I, we can handle it.  No need to bother anyone else.  It takes A LOT for me to ask for help, even just to ask for prayer for myself.  But I knew I needed the strength of others, the support of my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I finished getting ready and quickly messaged some of my most prayerful friends.  I committed myself and my schedule to serious time with God in the afternoon (Nathan's naptime) to draw strength and truth from His word and bind the enemy and cast him out.  Even with His strength and with others interceding for me, I wasn't sure what would happen.   In preparation I began listening to my iPod and various music and podcasts, including getting caught up on my One Year Daily Audio Bible podcast. 

Brian Hardin, who leads the Daily Audio Bible community and reads for the podcast, was on his way to Africa.  Until he could get set up there his wife, Jill Parr, was reading in his place.

 

The weight had started lifting, just a bit, after I made the decision to seek help earlier in the morning, but it was by no means gone.  The prayer at the end of this podcast confirmed to me that I was on the right track.  In fact, it was a major turning point.  

Here are Jill's exact words from her prayer at the end of the reading: 

I thank you, God, that your word is truth and I thank you that it is the truth that sets us free. But so many of us, instead of choosing to believe the truth, we believe the lie because the lie seems more believable than the truth. So God, I’m asking that every person that is listening now would know the truth, would choose the truth of how you see them, that we are not miserable failures, that we are not sinners, God, that we are saints saved by grace, forever striving to be more like you. I thank you, God, that your word breathes life into our weary bodies, our broken spirits, our crushed emotional beings. You come to heal the brokenhearted and to set the captive free. God, we’re wounded people. Each of us has a story, but we have been defined by that story for so long, God, that we forget that our identity comes through you and in you. God, please help us believe that we are everything that you say that we are. Help us to choose the truth, to believe the truth, and to walk in truth. In your name I pray, amen.  (emphasis mine)

I fully realize that I'm not the only one who needed to hear God speak those words yesterday, but I KNOW He intended that message for me, too.  I have been praying Psalm 43:3 a lot lately -- Send Your light and Your truth, let them lead me.   Jill's prayer spoke Light and Truth, calming the ocean tides into a glassy pond.  

I wanted to be sure I could always remember this and go back to it to see God's faithfulness.   I took up 12 pages in my prayer journal writing all of this and more.  (You are obviously reading an extremely edited version.)     

I am free.  Oh, I'm sure sometimes I'll feel like a miserable failure again.  Probably a lot of that will be my own negative thinking issues and not an all out enemy attack.  But now I have a defense, and I have my own plan of attack.  

This time, the enemy's power started to crack when I decided I had to do something, anything.  Asking for prayer dealt a serious blow.  The actual prayers added the strength and faith I needed to not give up.  Jill's prayer had the effect of an obliterating assault, and all I really had to do that afternoon was show up and walk into the light and truth of God's word. 

I am not a miserable failure.  I am God's Beloved. How fitting that my freedom came on Memorial Day. 

My prayer is that by sharing this you will be able to have your own Memorial Day.